Things I have legitimately thought my boyfriend was doing vs. what he’s actually doing on his phone

Sydney Holmes
Aug 29, 2017 · 2 min read
  • Looking at a picture of another girl very intently only to realize the picture is of me and I am make the face he refers to as “butthole mouth.” He thinks I am very pretty.
  • Snapchatting someone he used to date, but actually he is Snapchatting his friends in a group entitled DUDE PATROOLLLL
  • Leading a double life, when really he’s looking for memes about farts
  • Taking his phone to the bathroom to lead said double life, but actually is just playing “Black or White” for the 45th time while he showers
Subsequently dancing like this
  • Opening OkCupid, but it’s actually just Lyft
  • Opening Tinder, but it’s Reddit
  • Opening Bumble, but it’s just some app that tells him when to go to sleep
  • Googling fetish porn, but it’s actually just where to buy flowers — still have not received, so it may be fetish porn about flowers
  • Texting someone named Meg, which is my best friend’s name. Turns out “Meg” looks a lot like “Mom” at first glance.
  • Texting literally any other girl he’s ever known, but actually putting on the rain sounds that I like so my drunk ass will go the fuck to sleep, since I am a CLEAR head case.

In conclusion:

)
Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade