Things I have legitimately thought my boyfriend was doing vs. what he’s actually doing on his phone

  • Looking at a picture of another girl very intently only to realize the picture is of me and I am make the face he refers to as “butthole mouth.” He thinks I am very pretty.
  • Snapchatting someone he used to date, but actually he is Snapchatting his friends in a group entitled DUDE PATROOLLLL
  • Leading a double life, when really he’s looking for memes about farts
  • Taking his phone to the bathroom to lead said double life, but actually is just playing “Black or White” for the 45th time while he showers
Subsequently dancing like this
  • Opening OkCupid, but it’s actually just Lyft
  • Opening Tinder, but it’s Reddit
  • Opening Bumble, but it’s just some app that tells him when to go to sleep
  • Googling fetish porn, but it’s actually just where to buy flowers — still have not received, so it may be fetish porn about flowers
  • Texting someone named Meg, which is my best friend’s name. Turns out “Meg” looks a lot like “Mom” at first glance.
  • Texting literally any other girl he’s ever known, but actually putting on the rain sounds that I like so my drunk ass will go the fuck to sleep, since I am a CLEAR head case.

In conclusion:

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