Embracing the Unexpected: The Surprising Benefits of Low Expectations
A University College of London study suggests that happiness is closely tied to our expectations. Neuroscientist Robb Rutledge found that happiness depends not on how well things are going but on whether they’re going better or worse than expected. When we lower our expectations, even small successes become delightful surprises.
Assessing Expectations
We live in a black-and-white world when it comes to expectations. It has a very ‘hero to zero’ mentality. I often get stuck in the mindset that if I cannot achieve something great, I am not capable of anything. This extreme way of thinking does not serve me at all. Lowering our expectations is about being realistic. We should take the time to be clear on where our values lie and align our actions with them.
If my value is ‘being rich’ and I take a part-time low-paying job, I will not be content. Likewise, if my goal is to spend time in nature daily, living in a high-rise city will leave me disappointed daily. We can be happy by changing our values to meet our circumstances or changing our circumstances to meet our values.
The internet is full of helpful tools to help us determine our values. Taking a personality assessment like the Meyers-Briggs Personality Test (https://mypersonality.net/) or a value assessment quiz (https://personalvalu.es/) can help us understand how we want to function in the world.
Gratitude
Gratitude plays a crucial role. We can cultivate contentment by appreciating what we have and finding joy in everyday moments without setting unrealistic standards.
Perhaps the key lies in being pleasantly surprised — like watching a TV show without expectations and discovering it’s better than anticipated. I rarely read the synopsis of a novel, so I have no expectation of what the book will offer me. Lowering expectations slightly can lead to positive experiences.
Consider the child who received a pile of horse manure as a gift. Instead of disappointment, the true optimist might say, “Horse manure! That’s so much better than what I expected! I thought you were going to give me anthrax for my birthday!” Even manure becomes a happy gift when expectations are low.
Compassion
Lowering expectations can also lead to greater compassion. When we expect less from others, we’re more accepting of their problematic behaviours. Compassion often involves adjusting our standards for what we anticipate from people.
As my kids became teenagers, I struggled to see them as people rather than an extension of me and my perceptions of the world. Allowing the people around us to be their own people with their own way of showing up in the world makes the world such a unique and diverse place.
Applying this compassion to ourselves can be the most difficult but can make the biggest difference. Kristen Neff has extensively researched the benefits of self-compassion (https://self-compassion.org/).
Balancing Expectations
While low expectations can foster happiness and compassion, we must strike a balance. Having excessively low expectations may limit personal growth and adaptation to life changes. It’s essential to find a middle ground.
This will involve letting some goals go. Knowing that we will never achieve a certain goal can be painful. When I was thirty, I decided that I was going to learn the piano and play with a symphony. I imagined myself on stage with all the other musicians. I learned the piano. I became a piano teacher and an accompanist. I held onto that goal of playing for a symphony until one day, my piano teacher told me bluntly that I lacked the natural talent and that I did not have time to become that talented. I wasted years feeling disappointed. I had accomplished so much! I learned the piano as an adult but couldn’t appreciate it because I lived in a fantasy world of high expectations. Now, I play the piano for fun and allow myself to enjoy it.
In summary, while low expectations can bring unexpected benefits, it’s essential to maintain a healthy balance. So, let’s appreciate the little things, stay open-minded, and find joy in life’s surprises!
