The Tools of Change — Ch 3.5 — Not Being Affected by the Emotions of Others

Continued from Ch 3.4: https://buff.ly/2xBJSdd
Syl: — So…we anticipate, we see what’s coming, We set our Perspective, we find the Value and we unhook from the “Should” that makes us believe that Immersion into mood via Empathy is the good and right things to do. We have come to a Point of Awareness that now brings another dimension to the issue. Ethics!!!!
V: — And I often push people away out of fear of this ability. If I could keep myself separate, I might not have to.
(thanks, good to know)
Syl: — And now we come to the Es ☺ Empathy, Expectation, Emphasis and Ethics!
V: — Unfortunately, I often anticipate that negativity is coming. And that triggers my fear. Because I don’t yet know how to protect myself.
Syl: — The Ethics of Expectation!!!!! What a Huge huge huge deal.
Exactly. That is the problem. That Expectation of Negativity. And it is to me, an Ethical issue.
V: — Ethics?
Syl: — Because of Expectation, we are a part of the problem. And we have to take Responsibility for that!!! Ethically anyway. My Ethics anyway.
I can only Share here. All of the Above is ofc from the same Perspective. I am *Not* saying what is, or even what I believe is. I am saying only what is for *me.* I am from my Perspective, only *Sharing.*
V: — I know :)
Syl: — Yes Ethics. How is it Ethically justifiable to spread a contagious disease? How is it ethically justifiable to add fuel to a fire?
It isn’t!!!!!!
V: — Yes, and the law of ‘Social Facilitation’ exacerbates that expectation.
Because social facilitation is that phenomenon whereby studies have found that people’s behaviour is influenced by others’ expectations.
Syl: — So now we have a problem. Our Expectations contribute to the problem.
“But,” we complain, “My Expectations are Accurate!”
V: — Even when those expectations aren’t stated or made explicit! It’s enough that they exist. Fascinating stuff.
Syl: — Yes, I call is Cueing, like actors cue each other.
Yes. This is where I am going. And it is why I am starting with Ethics.
V: — So, having a negative expectation of someone can trigger negative behaviour, as you know.
Syl: — The sophistication and the complexity of this makes it a tricky issue.
V: — Cueing, yes, I remember you saying that before.

Syl: — So, we affect others with our Expectations. And we believe the problem is that those expectations are accurate. So now we have to deal with this. And the techniques for doing so are the Es: Expectation, Emphasis and Extrapolation. And Empathy, but we are going to use Inverse Empathy, another E, Emoting. We are going to use Emoting as a deliberate Positive tool. It is why that Philosophical Underpinning I established earlier is so vital. Once we have *Internally* preset ourselves, to believe, think, understand and *Know* the World Positively, then the Positivity comes from deep inside, from our core, from our Way-of-Being, And this is Essential. It is Everything.
This allows the Philosophy of the Es to implement.
I have to Apply my own philosophy here, and Institute a Pause. I have run out of Energy, another E that is crucial to this. ☺ I need to eat. I will resume the Sharing on the implementation and Application of the Philosophy of the Es.
Heehee, there is also a Philosophy of the As. ☺ It is just useful as Self-Telling Stories. 😀
KK Laters… I am keen, as always ofc, for TakeAway. (Also from X if possible, if Appropriate ofc.)
And when resuming, there will be more Repetition also. ☺ ☺ 😀 😀
V: -Yes. Maybe I struggle to keep out W’s negativity, because I myself am somewhat deeply negative.
Eat! I need to bath ❤
Syl: Maybe. Yes. There is truth in that. The degree I question. Deeply I would dispute. Some, yes. ☺
❤ ☺ ❤
I forgot to mention…Another way to avoid becoming Immersed in another’s emotions is to unhook from the habit of Immediate Response. We are habituated to responding quickly, immediately to what others say. But, if we can learn the Habit of Structured Pause, of Deliberate Withholding of Reply, then we can gain the time needed to Respond, Deliberately, Appropriately. This is a critical habit to cultivate. To get in the habit of waiting before responding, even when there is no need to do so.
We really in actual time need only a few seconds. But that is a long long time mentally. We can process a lot in a few seconds. And…for the most part, our immediate Responses, the ones that come to mind first, are responses that are for the most part, NOT the best we can do. They are for the most part not even needed at all.
If we can just wait, hold ourselves, pause, evaluate, think, and Then Respond, we will greatly enhance our ability to *Not* get sucked in. We can use this to avoid immersion into the emotions of others. It is the interaction that exacerbates the Immersion. If we can learn to hold off long enough to allow ourselves to actually truly Respond, rather than just react, then we have some power over becoming Immersed. And avoiding becoming Immersed into the emotions of others is one of the Keys to not being affected by them.
It is another reason why Patience is a Superpower. The Patience to simply wait a few seconds, the Patience to simply be a bit thoughtful with our Responses. It doesn’t take much at all to make an incredible difference.
We can use this Pausing to Listen. To truly listen. Not just to hear. To Listen beyond the usual listening. To Listen beyond what is being said. To Listen to the person, the whole person. To Listen to them. To Listen to their entire life, to listen to their entire Being. To Listen to their *Intent.* When we listen in this way, the temporary Immersion that a person can be Immersed in can be by-passed. We can look beyond the temporary and see what is really going on. We can hear the larger Perspective. We can hear their Overallness. This makes a big big difference. Most people seldom succeed in communicating what they actually mean.

“Communication is a haphazard business.” — TYM
Mostly what we say, especially initially, is largely inaccurate. It can be inappropriate and misleading. This is compounded when we consider that what we mean with certain words is not the same as what another may understand them to mean. When we Listen Past the surface, past the now, we can hear more. We hear the person. And we hear that whatever is going on is is just a temporary Perspective and Immersion. It is not really real for the most part. It is temporary. What we feel is connected to what we hear, to How we hear. What we feel is connected to the context in which we perceive what is happening. When we listen past the immediate words, we tune in to so much more. This allows us to tune in to the basic and overall Goodness of another, and thus we can use that connection to resonate with, to adjust our feelings, so that we are not affected by the immediate and temporary emotional output.
The Pausing, the delaying of response, this thoughtfulness, this Listening, allows a moment to look past the surface, to look at Intent. To look past assumed Intent, Implied Intent, but to look truly and fairly and deeply at the real and actual Intent of another. When we do this we see that it is truly seldom that there is an actual real negative and bad intent. It is mostly inappropriateness that is the culprit of bad behaviour. We only object really when we become Immersed and thus affected by the negative emotions of another.
However, how we perceive, and thus believe, what exactly they are feeling, is a factor of the Intent we ascribe to them. We don’t even realise for the most part that we are actually ascribing Intent to another. We usually aren’t aware that we assume what their Intent is. That we cobble together an Intent for others based on surface and superficial criteria. For instance if are irritated by someone, we don’t even think about it, but there is an Implication that we think they are *Being* irritating, and by inference and implication, thus that they Intend to be irritating.
But this is seldom the case. It is very seldom that someone deliberately Intends to be irritating, or annoying, or bothersome, or stressful etc. For the most part they are so because they have become immersed in some sort of inappropriateness, they have become Immersed inside a bubble, and they have lost Awareness to a greater or lesser degree of what they are doing. Inevitably when people come out of that Immersion and realise the inappropriateness and negativity of their behaviour they are horrified, embarrassed, sorry etc.
But…we are focused here on our reactions, our emotions. And our emotions are severely impacted by our impression and belief of what another Intends. Once we realise that the Intent is typically something benign, like showing off, or seeking approval, or elicit pit or sympathy etc, that is is not negative intent specifically directed at us, then we are much more likely to view the interaction and behaviour more objectively. And…if we really pay attention, we come to see that in most cases the Intent, the root, bottom line Intent, is actually to be Good. That Intent can become radically distorted by way of that dreadful horror: “Should.” Many are lead astray to incredible degrees because of it. They can even end up doing actual bad, all in the misguided adherence to “should.”
But for us, knowing this, realising this, Understanding this, allows us the measure of Detachment, that incredibly critical ingredient that gives us the ability to not be affected by the emotions of others. One of the keys to create that Detachment is to pay Attention to Intent. Intent is a magical thing indeed. There are many benefits to paying Attention to Intent, Detachment is but one of them.

“Art, is the communication of intent. The Magic lies in exactly how it occurs. It doesn’t matter the individual words, or brushstrokes, or sounds, the Intent is what matters, and it is what is communicated. It is a priceless treasure and Magic, for through this, we come to realise that in order to know, to truly know, all we have to do is pay Attention to Intent. This is where truth resides.” — From: Understandings of the New Nobility
It is this connection to Intent that allows us to actually feel what another has felt. This is the magic of Art, and the magic of the communication of Intent. But, when we mis-ascribe Intent, when we inaccurately assume an Intent, when we falsely construct and believe a supposedly implied Intent, that is when we end up feeling what is in fact not really there. And therefore, become immersed into the emotions of others, and thus feeling affected by them, is in many cases a matter of our own doing. It is when we incorrectly connect to an Intent that is not there that we pay the price.
Once we start to truly look at Intent, at the Root Intents of people, at the foundational Intents, that we realise that almost everyone, certainly everyone I have ever met, has at the inner core of their Being, the Intent to Goodness. And when we see this, know this, perceive this, and make that bit of effort to pause and consider this, and pause and remember this, then we Attune to that side of them, that aspect of them, we can move beyond the surface pettiness and triviality and instead connect with the Root Goodness of Intent that is within them. And then, then we bypass those emotions that affect us.
When we make this a Habit of Perception, we come into any interaction already doing this, and this causes others to respond Positively to us, because we have a fundamentally Positive Perception of them. Not necessarily of their temporary behaviour but of Them themselves, of their real true inner self. This is Huge. It is Positivity at its finest. It causes others to for the most part forgo their negativity and to behave towards us with Positivity.
It is key to Understand, that being Affected by others comes in large part from us being Emotional Responders. And thus our negative expectations combined with theirs, create a vicious circle And just like us, when we do this, so too do others. In order to break this cycle, someone has to be first when it comes to Positivity of Perspective. It might as well be you. And… big big And… And if we can have the Fortitude and Forbearance to Not respond in kind, then again we can break the cycle of negative emotion leading to more negative emotion. All we have to do really is Insist on holding onto our Positive Perspectives.
When we Insist, truly Insist, then our moods and feelings are not easily shifted. We can hold fast, for our emotional foundation is solid. And this happens when we really and truly DO see that Intent to Goodness in everyone, for it really IS there. All we have to do is look with the *Expectation* of finding it. This often in a way *creates* it, not in itself, but creates that person now connecting to what has always been their but seldom connected to. Just think. how many people approach *YOU* with this kind of Positive Expectation?
And of course, it is not the emotions of others that actually affect us, it is actually our *Own* emotions that affect us.

“How we Perceive is how we Believe. How we believe is how we receive. How we receive is from how we Perceive.” — Fine Noble
It is a connected circle. Perception is the creator of the reality when it comes to emotions. The trick thus to not being affected by the emotions of others, is to learn to Perceive others *Differently.* Then we will be free.
The entire matter of being affected by the emotions of others is really a matter of *Tolerance.* When we really think about it, it is us being intolerant of behaviour that does not suit us, that we do not like, that is inconvenient for us and so on. And what is Tolerance really, but the granting of Individuality of Being. If we are truly truly Tolerant, we are not affected when others behave in ways that are negative, for being foolish is ofc one of the free choices we all have. If we truly respect the Freedom of another, then we must also Respect their Freedom to make foolish choices. We have to Respect their Freedom to *choose* to be negative.
When we truly and fully embrace this, how can we be affected my the emotions of others? They are doing what they have the Freedom to choose to do. And we have the Freedom to choose to be and feel and behave in a way that is radically different to that. We do NOT have to align or conform to their emotions. It is NOT inappropriate to have vastly different emotions. This is the fallacy upon which being affected by the emotions of others is built. We believe, inadvertently and without realising it, that we somehow “should” feel similarly. We have been taught that being empathetic is Good. To sympathise is Good. To feel what others are feeling is Good. But it is ofc, as most things, situational. It does not apply in all circumstances. Certainly to be able to empathise is Good. But just because we can, does not mean we have to.
We have to make the distinction of when it is Good and Appropriate, and when it is not. And to realise there is nothing, not one single thing that says that we absolutely have to empathise with others when they are experiencing negative emotions. In fact, the very last thing that those people want is someone to ADD to their misery. When we realise that we do not have to empathise, then we start to look inward, at why it is that we choose to do so. And then we come to those Awful Truths we so assiduously avoid. The truths such as how it makes us look kind, or benevolent, or empathetic and considerate, how it makes us look like Good People. And so on. How this is our goal, how we look to others, not how we truly want to feel. Mostly thus, when we are affected by the emotions of others, it is because we are Indulging in vanity, and image and looking for approval, self-importance and so on. We aren’t necessarily doing what is *Appropriate* in the Overall.

Also, when it comes to our Emotional *Responses,* In this matter, when we realise that almost always *our* Responses that lead to us being negatively affected by the emotions of others are cause by and *Inappropriate Application of Our Goodness,* typically via “Should” behaviour. Thus we need to become *Deliberately Aware* of what it is we do when it comes to emotions and in our interactions with others.
:) ❤ :)
End Ch 3.
https://www.facebook.com/syl.dinada (For Comments)
