Travelling The Alphabet — the Past
The Past –
So many people are haunted by the past, by the baggage they carry from it, by the hurts. Are you still afraid of that toothache you had when you were two yrs. old and growing new teeth. NO! Can you even remember that pain? Can you remember that joy from the first time you felt a flower ,or grass or sunshine. Can you remember your first cuddle?
We say we remember the past but we do not. We only recreate the bits we rehearse. Sometimes a hazy flicker of a shadow will come into view and remind us of an old memory but usually they are vague hazy and far distant- from another time. And so, all true memories are this and nothing more than this, a shadow, a hint.
Trauma leaves a deeper mark though. It penetrates our bodies and weaves its energy into the fabric of our being at cellular level but is hidden from our conscious mind to protect us from this rehearsal. Until something releases this cellular memory and then the trauma re- emerges. This is not rehearsed. This is as it is, as it was, relived. Re-membered, as in put back together in its entirety of moment by moment experience.
But you can leave the past behind you if you let it go — or quite a lot of it anyway. It is just a fiction, a memory, a perceptual position you or someone else once took about a sequence of events. It is not real so you can leave behind as much as you want to. What does your story allow to you release, to forget. All the good bits. All this bits that do not fit your version of events. Do you remember the first time you saw a butter fly and what joy that felt, what amazement at such visual beauty and fragility.
What of your present demands that this story be kept alive and re-iterated endlessly as so-called memory?
What you can’t get away from is what is inside you. You can never escape anything until you release it, your anger, your fear, your bitterness, your shame and guilt. But they are not the past, they are just labels we hang on it. Annotations for our story so that we are the hero, or the victim, and others are lesser beings, always, lesser players in our narrative or else so large that they are monsters, super-humans upon which we place too much responsibility for our own story.
I have been incredibly happily married for 20 yrs now but before that not so lucky. I don’t remember that person any more though. Even the person who made her marriage vows 20 yrs ago is not the same body, not the same bones, not the same cells, not the same age, not the same thoughts, not the same experiences, not the same life paradigms.
Each day I renew my marriage vows, to make sure they are up to date and present moment real, not ever a memory, never the past.