Who am I, and why should you care? Great questions.
Let’s take the second question first. Honestly, you might not care. You don’t know me, and I don’t know you. But maybe I have something interesting to say. I originally began a blog on WordPress when I began questioning my gender identity almost 3 years ago. The blog was mainly a dairy of my life as I began transitioning from male to female (MTF). I have chosen to come to Medium to share my stories with a wider audience.
Who Am I?
I am transgender woman from the San Francisco Bay Area who is a heartbeat from turning 40. While I do not oppose gender fluidity, I identify myself as extremely femme and at the extreme end of the gender spectrum (yay, dresses & skirts!). I have strong desires to carry, birth, and breastfeed a child of my own, and I am deeply saddened that I will never have that opportunity because of my genetics. I frequently cry over that fact.
I am married (for now). Initially, my wife did not support my transition, and we fought mightily as I began to find the authentic me. Those were rough, dark days. At one point, I considered suicide because I felt so alone. Today, we are in a much better place — especially after I went full-time over a year ago. We have worked hard to rebuild our friendship, but ultimately, our marriage is bound to fail because she needs a man, and I cannot offer that to her. I do not blame her for that. I completely understand. It doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking, though.
I also have two beautiful young children, a 7-year-old son and a 4-year-old daughter. They are the loves of my life and brighten my days. They are incredibly supportive of me, and I am proud to be one of their mothers.
Unlike many stories you may come across, I did not know I was transgender when I was super young. I believe I suppressed those feelings for much of my life, and only within the last few years have I opened my mind and accepted my authentic self. I am so much happier for making that discovery and acting on those feelings, despite the incredible pain transition brought along with it.
Early Days: The Struggles of Questioning and Finding Me
My journey over the last three years has been well-documented. I have written extensively on the difficulties of the early days: moving from questioning to transitioning, the difficulties my wife and I faced, my quest to find friends and support, and ultimately figuring out whether or not I was actually trans. Some of my more popular and meaningful posts were crafted when I wrote about contemplating whether or not I was simply a crossdresser, how my life was affected by starting hormones, and the epiphanies that led me to finally make the decision to live full-time as a woman.
One of the more difficult pieces I wrote was on grieving my marriage. As I approached beginning to live full-time as a woman, I first had to really deal with the emotional loss of my wife. Transition forever changed our relationship, and I could no longer hold on to the idea that she would ever desire me again. Being transgender is not a choice; it is a painful and draining process. I do not wish this process on anyone. However, the plight of partners is something that is not discussed enough. Her life was thrown into upheaval by no choice of her own, and I will be eternally apologetic for the damage and pain I have caused her. Now over a year since coming out, we are in an awkward place. We live together. We parent together. We contemplate dating others. But… we are still together and neither of us seems truly ready to move on even though neither of us can fully satisfy the needs of the other. I still love her, but I needed to mourn the loss of what we had, the promises we made to each other, and the dream of a lifelong partner. A year later, it is something with which I struggle.
When I finally came out to the public, I did it in multiple stages over a two-week period. First, I had to tell my children in what was probable the most difficult conversations I have ever had to initiate. At the time, they were 5 and 3, and I was worried I would be ruining the rest of their lives. To my surprise, they were — and continue to be — extremely accepting and supportive. Still, I had to prepare my then-kindergarten son for questions he would receive from his friends when he returned from Winter Break and I would be picking him up from school. We had to have discussions about how people would address me in public, which brought up problems with the compromise parental title I was effectively forced to adopt. Ultimately, I reminded them that no matter how the world treated me, I would always love them.
Next, I had to come out at work, which is something that was easier said than done. I work in retail as a front-line supervisor. There was no way for me to transition at work slowly. When I came out, I literally came out to my team and the thousands of eyes of the public all at the same time. I was kind of like ripping off a Band-Aid, and I am thankful it went as smoothly as I could have anticipated because it could have been abysmal had I not had a plan in advance.
I am currently dealing with several issues. On the trans front, I have facial feminization surgery (FFS) scheduled for August, am actively involved with vocal therapy to better feminize my voice without the need for surgery, and am in the beginning stages of contemplating gender reassignment surgery (GRS). Additionally, I also have my children, my career (or lack thereof), my crumbling support structure, and the uncertainty of my living situation. I am also beginning to think about dating, as I have unexpectedly attracted at least two people since going full-time. I have plenty to write about, and I invite you to share the journey with me.
The Purpose of This Blog
I freely share my stories, and I hope other transgender people find support, commonality, or inspiration from my posts. I primarily write my blog for me to get my feelings out, but the advantage of having a space like this means that that my musings could potentially aid another. that makes me feel good. Since coming out to the world, I have been more vocal. I was even invited to tell my story publicly as part of an LGBT program at a federal prison. I have marched for both trans and women’s rights. I rail against laws and policies like HB2. I am finding my voice within the trans community.
At the end of the day, each transition story is different and personal. This is my story, and I hope you find value in my writing. I look forward to hearing from you and hearing your stories.
Thank you for listening and contributing!