Personal Growth | Love
Learn to communicate effectively
Part 1 of a mini-series on building a stronger relationship
Language is one of the most profound tools that humans have created since the dawn of time. To this day, it is still evolving and has been essential to pass down knowledge to the next generation, communicating our thoughts, sharing jokes and stories.
While it is so easy to learn words and phrases, it takes a lot more to communicate effectively to the people around us. Have you ever felt that you have something to say, tried speaking out, but the people in the room still don’t get your genuine thoughts or message you want to get across? Welcome to the club. All of us struggle with this one way or another, it is not because we are poor communicators, but the speaker and the recipient are just not in the same wavelength when speaking and are not trying hard enough to understand each other whether this is due to time constraint or a topic that is truly hard to comprehend.
This miscommunication is amplified with the people we love and somehow always gets us more frustrated the more closer we are to them. It is not wrong to assume that the other person should be able to understand you better as both of you grow closer together, but remember you are no mind reader either and all of us are changing and growing each day. One day ‘likes’ can become ‘dislikes’ and we are always discovering new things about ourselves each day, so be patient with one another when communicating.
Be assertive
Assertiveness is the ability to express your feelings and ask for what you want in the relationship. This expression needs to be direct and explicit in its form during conversations. Rather than assuming your partner can read your mind, you share how you feel and ask clear and directly for what you want.
Assertiveness is a valuable communication skill.
Firstly, you take responsibility for your messages by using “I” statements. When you want something from your partner, you don’t need to manipulate your words to get it. Avoid using statements that begin with “You”. If it is your request say “I”.
When making constructive requests, remember to be positive and respectful when communicating. Be polite and use phrases such as “please” and “thank you”. I have been guilty of this when it is so easy for us to take our partner for granted and forget to show appreciation.
Examples of Assertive statements:
“ I want to go shopping this weekend, but I know you like to go to the beach. I’m feeling confused about what choice we should make. ”
“ I’m feeling out of balance. While I love spending time with you, I also want to spend time with my friends. I would like us to find some time to talk about this. ”
Try using the examples above to help you phrase the thoughts when trying to communicate a want or need. It is all about using “I”, the emotion that you feel, and clearly state what you are asking/seeking. Make sure you are not demanding an answer, but invite your partner to the conversation with your question.
Active listening
Active listening is the ability to let your partner know you understand them by restating their message. Good communication depends on you carefully listening to another person, especially your partner. This involves listening attentively without interruption and then restating what was heard.
Acknowledge the content of their message AND the feelings of the speaker. The active listening process lets the sender know whether or not the message they sent was clearly understood by having the listener restate what they hear.
Examples of Active listening:
“ If I understand what you said, you are concerned because you want to go shopping this weekend. But you think I would rather go to the beach. Is that correct? ”
“ I heard you say you are feeling ‘out of balance’, and enjoy the time we spend together but that you also need more time to be with your friend. You want to plan a time to talk about this. ”
It will be initially hard when you try this out with your partner, and it may seem generic or a little insincere, but trust me, after awkwardly stumbling through a few conversations, you will get a hang of it. When each person knows what the other person feels and wants (assertiveness) and when each knows they have been heard and understood (active listening), intimacy is increased. These two communication skills can help you grow closer as a couple.
Daily dialogue and daily compliments
Daily dialogue is an intentional effort to talk about your relationship with one another, rather than discussing your activities that day. The focus of these dialogues should be on your feelings about each other and your lives together. You can set aside five minutes per day to discuss the following:
- What did you most enjoy about your relationship today?
- What was dissatisfying about your relationship today?
- How can you be helpful to each other?
Daily compliments help you focus on the positive things you like about each other. Every day give your partner at least one genuine compliment. These can be general (“you are beautiful”) or specific (“I appreciate you washing up the dishes today”)
Some exercises
- Practice assertiveness and active listening. Both of you make a wish list of three things you would like more or less of in your relationship. After writing the list, take turns sharing your wish list with each other keeping in mind:
Speaker’s job: speak for yourself (“I” statements) and describe how you would feel if your wish came true.
Listener’s job: Repeat/summarize what you have heard and describe the wish and how your partner would feel if the wish came true. - Practice your daily dialogue and daily compliments.
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