Not On My Resume

Hello everyone, I’m Hai! Glad you clicked to read this. I’ve been procrastinating for quite some time to write this reflection, but I guess it’s finally time I sit down and think about what happened during the past four years as an undergraduate at Chulalongkorn School of Integrated Innovation (CSII). I’m writing this for myself, but I figure it’s probably interesting to some of you, so why not share it?

Coming to BAScii (Bachelor of Arts and Science in Integrated Innovation) is almost an out-of-the-blue decision. I remember being lost in the endless list of undergraduate programs, and I guess this feeling isn’t so foreign now that I’m a fresh graduate. Since young, I could never really answer the famous question of “what do you want to be when you grow up?” This is quite funny because I just read my ‘time capsule letter’ I wrote four years ago, and this is an excerpt from it: “I hope you figure something out already when you read this letter, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re still lost, honestly.”

Indecisiveness is one of my frienemies, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like choices. I just didn’t want to choose yet. However, looking back, I realized I’ve always been making choices; it’s just that my ‘choice’ isn’t a tick in a box but rather open-ended. I can’t speak for everyone, but a part of me wants to believe that no one has figured it out; we’re just making big and small decisions as we go.

Year one is interesting… though I don’t remember much, honestly. I don’t think I did much, but I sure learned a lot. To sum it up, it was a year of self-discovery (everybody says that and I can’t disagree). I realized the world is a lot bigger than my circle of friends in high school, but it’s not that I don’t already know that; it’s that I just couldn’t be too sure when I spent all my time in high school trying to fit it. I am extremely grateful that three friends from the same high school also joined BAScii. They’re a great support system for me to find my way through the new environment at the university.

Thanks to my favorite musical of all time, “Dear Evan Hansen,” it was also a year I discovered the term ‘social anxiety’ and how badly I was struggling. See, I didn’t know that it was a thing, and I thought I was just (very) shy. I used to think that shyness was just something that came with introversion. I guess there could be some correlation, but it is definitely not the same thing. I learned that being introverted is my way of doing things, while social anxiety is ‘in’ my way. I mean… not being to buy stuff at a convenience store by myself isn’t so convenient.

Year two is quite chaotic for multiple reasons. In hindsight, sticking with your high school friends in uni is a blessing and a curse. Not that I don’t appreciate them (they’re great friends), but I find it hard to break out and connect with other people when the social culture here is quite tribalistic, especially in the second year when people started to know each other and choose who they want to be with. Randomly-assigned project groups became the main way we got to meet and interact with new people.

Wait.

What’s that sound?

Oh! That’s the sound of people joining Zoom. Hello COVID-19…

The second semester was the first time I’ve experienced completely remote learning. Contrary to popular belief, it was actually a favorable environment for me. Although it was obviously not the ideal environment to keep up my motivation, it was ironically a big opportunity for a guy struggling with social anxiety to engage a little more in class through chatboxes.

I don’t want to romanticize the pandemic, but despite all the bad, it was the perfect time for me to reflect on myself and step out of my comfort zone (virtually) when the world slowed down a little. Joining clubs and events had never been easier when doing so required only a click or a Google form entry. I started signing up for competitions, joining clubs, and speaking up in classes. Of course, this pandemic didn’t magically cure my social anxiety, but I knew no one was going to see my shaking legs and sweating palms when all they see is a blurry video of my face in one of the little boxes on their Zoom screen.

2020 is certainly a year to remember. Since I spend most of my time with myself, self-awareness is at its peak, and redefining who I am as a person is particularly simpler when I am not so heavily influenced by social pressure in the comfort of my grandmother’s house outside the city.

Year three is eventful, despite being in the middle of the pandemic. With self-awareness comes self-acceptance, and perhaps that is the theme of this year. Throughout high school, I was that archetype of those who never study but still pass anyway. Even though I know it is probably nonsense, a part of me kind of like the label because it is somewhat cool to be that gifted kid. In reality, I did try, and I’ve often paid attention in class (if I’m not too sleepy), but most of my high school teachers would probably say otherwise.

Coming to the university, I promised myself I would try to behave in class and change my image of being the back-row class clown. So yeah, I am now what people call a teacher’s pet. Since the first semester, I happened to get straight As and that became my new ego I was quite attached to. Deep down, I kind of wish that I would get a B just to break the streak before I became too obsessed with something that I know doesn’t really matter. It is almost like a game. There are also many times that I don’t think I deserve an A, but up until this point, I don’t know whether that’s the imposter syndrome talking or if I just don’t really agree with this whole grading system.

I believe genuine learning has little to do with what letters appear on the report card. I low-key hated it, and being a one-dimensional character became one of my fear. Perhaps that fear was also one of my great motivations; it pressured me to keep pushing myself and do new things, which was probably a good thing to do in my third year when graduation was only a year-ish away.

This was also the time I started to notice how I didn’t enjoy learning as much as I did before. In high school, when I wasn’t the best-performing kid or even a decent student in class, I found topics so interesting that learning to me doesn’t really require any effort. There are also many factors that contribute to this because more advanced topics will undeniably need more effort, but something just didn’t feel right.

The second semester of my third year deserves a chapter of its own because it was my first time being abroad for an extended period of time. I came to an exchange semester at UC Berkeley with an expectation to learn something new, immerse myself in different cultures, and understand the world from different perspectives. The expectation was surely satisfied, but that wasn’t the key takeaway. I didn’t foresee how I’ll be challenged on everything I thought I knew, like the problems I thought I dealt with.

With a sudden change in everything, social anxiety was back as a big part of how I navigate through everyday tasks. A significant difference was now I didn’t have many options or the support system I had back in Bangkok; if I didn’t do something myself, then it wouldn’t be done. If I didn’t dare to do something new, then I would miss out on this limited-time opportunity.

I didn’t have a bucket list, but I knew I wanted to do a lot of things. I had a mid-semester breakdown where lock myself in a bathroom to call my dad. I was so stressed that this expensive semester abroad wouldn’t be worth my parents’ hard-earned money just because it was so difficult for me to learn how to do all the little things, let alone go out there and make the most of my time. However, that wasn’t all for nothing because all the crying sessions and talks with my lovely parents taught me that maybe it was all about the little things. I thought I came here to find what I was missing out on, but what I found is all the things I overlooked.

I learned that you could be grateful for all the little things in your everyday life, like hiking in California’s amazing weather or enjoying the meatiest sandwich I made myself. However, to say that my experience here is full of many good little things will be an understatement. I also got the chance to plan the whole trip to places by myself and travel alone; it is an entirely different experience when you get to do the whole thing by yourself (highly recommend). Apart from that, I couldn’t be more grateful for the new friends I made during this semester abroad, especially those outgoing friends who ‘adopted’ me and took me along to experience new things (you know who you are ❤). I will never forget the night we were stuck in the middle of Yosemite National Park.

Being more independent is addicting. I liked it so much that I decided to go for another semester abroad, but this time at NUS, Singapore. I was convinced Singapore being a smaller country is an illusion, because it is super dense, and there is something new every kilometer. This time around, I was a lot more confident in my independence, and Singapore’s student hall culture is also very interesting and new to me. Joining an acapella club was one of the best decisions I’ve made. Meeting like-minded individuals who share my interest and working together to create the best performance we can in the end-of-semester concert was a special experience and proof to myself that with a growth mindset, I can do anything I want if I am willing to work for it.

Not a lot of people knew about this, but because I didn’t need to transfer any credit back, I could finally let go of the fear of failing. I actually failed one of the classes, even though I learned a lot from that class and I enjoyed it a lot. Working hard to get good grades just wasn’t my priority and I spent most of the time working on myself. I started doing exercises and eating a little more healthily. While studying here, I also take online exchange courses from UNSW, Australia. I wasn’t handling all the classes well, but it was definitely a good opportunity to test my limits without the fear of failing. This is a unique semester where I get to explore my interests, namely philosophy, and music.

I have also met a lot of great friends that I still keep in touch with to this day. One particular group of friends is incredibly meaningful to me. Despite the cultural differences, they accept me as who I am, which helped me a lot in my journey to self-acceptance. I know a lot of work is still needed for me to grow as a person, but this one-of-a-kind experience is a great kickstart to my final year with self-confidence.

After spending a year abroad in two different foreign countries, I learned to be proud of my background, my cultural differences, and what I could bring to the table. I also learned to appreciate my hometown a lot more because once you’ve explored the grass on the other side, you realize it’s not greener; it’s a different color.

Unexpectedly, having only a senior project left to focus on wasn’t as easy as I thought. With more bandwidth to work on a project also came higher expectations. I got really immersed in the project, but with only three months left to work on it, we were forced to compromise on many of our goals. During that time, I felt a little down and felt like I could have done a lot more. Looking back, I was really proud of all the things we’ve managed to do in this short amount of time. I also learned a lot from my amazing teammates and mentors.

Being the pioneering batch of a new program is risky but extremely rewarding and insightful. Maybe it’s a coincidence, or maybe I’m subconsciously attracted to these things, but I keep seeing myself running into newer organizations or programs. Perhaps it’s what I am comfortable with since I have been doing that throughout my childhood anyway, as I am the oldest grandchild in a big Chinese family. I’m basically what people might call a “guinea pig.”

To not make this too much of an autobiographical rant journal, let’s summarize what I’ve learned:

• The truth is everyone is lost because you didn’t come out of the womb with a map
• If you ever feel like you’re behind, look the other way. You can only be behind if there is one right direction for you to follow
• No matter how unique your problem is, someone will probably have a similar problem and perhaps some potential solutions too. The world is getting smaller; utilize existing resources!
• In order of importance, I would personally rank what I got from this journey as the following: Friends, Soft skills, Experiences & Knowledge, The actual degree scroll, Grades
• Everything is an opportunity, so take it
• Everything is an opportunity, so don’t feel sad if you miss out on some
• If you don’t enjoy learning, then something is probably wrong. You are not ‘stupid’
• You can adapt yourself to work well in a system while trying to (slowly) change it for the better
• Be aware of the problems and stand up for what you believe in, but also make sure to come up with some solutions. (this personally applies to a lot of aspects of my life)
• Failure is my friend, not my enemy
• There are no right or wrong decisions, but make sure you know why you chose them
• You can’t do everything, but you can do something, and everyone can do something
• Embrace the little things
• The world will always be bigger than you think
• Simplicity is underrated
• Always try to see where the other person is coming from
• Your mood has a lot to do with sleep and diet
• Don’t forget to breathe… deeply

The list would have run longer if I didn’t try to stop myself. No matter how long the list is, it still wouldn’t sum up my past eventful four years as an undergraduate here at BAScii. It’s not because there’s an infinite amount of things I did, but because every time I look back at this journey, I will see something different from another perspective.

I don’t know if this will make sense, but just to solely challenge the norm, maybe time didn’t fly. Most of us choose to remember only the ‘good’ or ‘important’ parts and the significant achievements throughout our journey. So what we remember will only be a part of the whole story. The truth is you learn a lot from all the ‘filler episodes’ you don’t mention in your interviews or resumes. So I hope I don’t bore you with my stories, but to inspire you all to do the same and start writing about the things most people might find insignificant.

You might eventually forget about all these insightful journeys if all you seek is the destination.