My Dream House
Our family’s growing need for space led me and my husband to look for a bigger house. Amidst my home search, one night I had a very unusual dream where I saw myself entering a big gate somewhere close to my house. The gate closed with a bang and I got scared. I ran to open it, but it got locked. Since I was stuck, I decided to take a tour of that place. The place looked quite familiar and deserted. It was dark and I was taken aback by the stuff accumulated there. I said to myself: “Oh God, you know that I get anxious in dark and this place is panic-inducing. On top, it needs a hell of a cleaning. Why am I here?” I got startled by a voice however:
“This place belongs to you and you are the one who needs to clean it”.
Confused, I wondered if I was getting the house for free and cleaning the only price I needed to pay.
“That’s easy”. I thought “I clean my home, my closets, my backyard, and front yard. I am pro at it”. I got excited about this offer. The prospect of paying no mortgage was enticing. Who doesn’t want free stuff? I was ready to load the dishwasher too if needed. I kept bumping into the stuff and though the house looked scary, my greed of getting it kept me there.
I entered the first door I saw, and to my amazement, I witnessed a room filled with soup of formulas floating in it. I was able to walk through it. Looked like a magical house. Kids would surely love this. The formulas and equations I had studied in my school and college were all around me, but I had no recollection of them. They appeared distant yet close. I had a faint memory of spending hours, days and nights working on these for my exams : Newton’s laws of motion, laws of thermodynamics, Algebra, Calculus, Geometry and my favorite subject, organic chemistry (The tools I proudly used to crack seemingly complex problems and felt triumphant if I succeeded). I wondered how much of this I used in my life! Nevertheless, it was a fun learning experience.
Few steps further, I felt I was floating in the cool breeze that filled the room. I saw my dreams, innocence, curiosity, mischiefs, adventures and my entire childhood. I was living my story again. My entire being was filled with a lightness I had forgotten existed. I wanted to be there forever. Even heaven couldn’t be better than this.
I heard a voice again that interrupted my train of thoughts:
“Please keep the things that you will use and clean the rest”.
“But these are my cherished possessions. I can’t get rid of them.”
“Possessions is just another word for “more stuff”. If you don’t get rid of them, how will you create space for new memories.”
I picked the stuff I needed and let go of the rest. I came out of the room happy and elated. It was easier than I thought, and I was ready to clean the rest of the house so I could become its proud owner.
I saw another door, but it had something written on it: “CAUTION-DANGER”.
I thought I might need to do some heavy lifting for cleaning this room. It didn’t not seem like a good idea to enter alone until I got some help. I moved further and was tempted to enter the room which appeared bright. I was relieved to see some light in the house. But as I tried to enter the room, I realized the door was locked. I heard the same voice again.
“You cannot enter this room unless you clean the previous room you just skipped. Once you clean that room, the door of this room will open”.
I asked if I was in a situation like an “Escape Room”?
The voice replied: “Yes you are. You will see everything here that you are trying to escape and unless you face it, you won’t be able to escape from this house”
I was too scared to understand the gravity of that statement and in my rush to get over with this game, I entered the room I was avoiding. The moment I entered the room, I felt suffocated. I saw huge demons all around. Consumed by my fear, I ran out, took a deep breath and yelled:
“So, is this the catch in your offer? I should have known; nothing comes for free. It feels like I am trapped in some fancy marketing gimmick where you lured me into this house. You want me to fight with those huge demons. I don’t want to die suffocating in that room. Please keep this house and I am leaving.”
The voice grew deeper and softer: “You won’t die. Trust me. Demons won’t harm you. How do you expect to clean a room filled with dust without inhaling it? Don’t forget to wear the mask you are carrying.”
“But where is the mask? I don’t have one”.
“You do have it. You have to wear the mask of love, kindness, and compassion.”
I shuddered as immense dread ran down my spine, but I believed that voice. I opened the door again and entered the room. I looked at all the demons wanting my attention. They were holding a mirror. I got curious. I looked in the first mirror closest. Instead of seeing myself, I saw something that struck me like a jolt of lightning. I saw GUILT. I moved to the next mirror and I saw FEAR, I kept moving from mirror to mirror and I saw something I had never expected to see. I saw ANGER, SADNESS, JEALOUSY, ANXIETY, HURT, INSECURITY, DISAPPOINTMENT, and FRUSTRATION.
Once more I wanted to leave the room, but it was too late. The moment I saw all these emotions in the mirror, I felt intense PAIN. I looked into the eyes of Jealousy, guilt, hurt and anger and every cell of my body was immersed in the pain they offered. The pain was excruciating but I surrendered. I gave it all the space it needed to expand in me and dissipate. And when I felt it fully, I saw the demons crumbling. I felt relieved until the pain of another emotion engulfed me. Experienced the pain it offered feeling no aversion. I was surprised that my rational mind offered no resistance. (I didn’t realize that my rational mind was sleeping since I was in a dream). Slowly these demons shrank in size. And the light from the 3rd door became brighter. But before I could fight with all the demons, my dream ended. I woke up. The pain in my heart still lingered until I realized that it was just a dream. I longed for the dream to continue as I was so close to unraveling the mystery of the 3rd room. Unfortunately, I couldn’t continue my dream at my will. But I could still hear the voice getting distant and fainter. It said:
“You have seen enough. Now you know what you need to do. Don’t hold on to this experience. Learn your lesson and let go.”
Suddenly everything became clear except one thing, so I asked: “I understand that I saw my own demons in 2nd room and I needed to let go of them. But what was there in the 3rd room? And why the light coming from that room grew brighter. The voice replied:
“The light from the 3rd room was the light of love, kindness, compassion, empathy, humility, forgiveness, and patience that we imbibe naturally, but somewhere along the way, we keep accumulating the emotions that strangulate our capacity of offering unconditional love to ourselves and others. You might think that you have killed your demons, but they will raise their heads time and again. And there is nothing wrong with having these emotions. We are just being what we are: humans. We just need to feel them fully to realize that the only thing they are offering is PAIN and until they have offered what they have, they won’t leave you. We just need to make the right choice. Every time we get consumed by one of these emotions, we acknowledge its presence, feel it with love and compassion, look into its eyes and tell it — I am an infinite reservoir of love and you will drown in me. Demons will go weak in the knees. And you don’t need to enter the 3rd room. The light of LOVE shines on you engulfing all the darkness around.”
I had my moment of clarity and I asked one last question: “ If I have an infinite love, why did I feel suffocated when I first saw my demons?”
These are the last words I heard from that voice before it vanished with my dream.
“That was not you who felt suffocated. It was your ego. It was scared. You can’t beat fear with more fear, guilt with more guilt, shame with more shame. Let them offer what they have and that is PAIN and you continue to offer what you have and that is LOVE.”
Conclusion
As Carl Jung said: “What we resist, persists (not only persist, but will grow in size)”. Our inner demons keep growing in size if we don’t face them.
Even the Universe is subject to Entropy (chaos and disorder) and so are our minds. Emotions come and go. They are part of our lives like anything else. We tend to cling to pleasant emotions and are avert to the emotions that are painful. But our resistance gives more power to them. To be truly free from the clutches of worry, anger, guilt, pain, and hostility we need to give freedom to ourselves to go through them. Pushing away is not same as letting go. Pushing away begins with denial. And letting go begins with acceptance. Denial makes them reappear to haunt us later. The only way to go past them is through them. There are no shortcuts.
Transformation from resistance to acceptance does not happen overnight. Its a skill that needs time to develop and master. But once we have the requisite skills to respond wisely, our inner narrative will have a much cleaner space to inhabit in our minds. The garden of our mind needs tending. Do we want this garden to be invaded by weeds or we want to smell the roses? Choice is ours.
