Why you should never start an IM with “hey”

Ugh, where do I even begin. Ok, so, you want to start up a conversation with someone — that’s great! You open up your text message app or Facebook Messenger or whatever, and you find the person you want to message, but how do you start the conversation? Maybe you don’t want to be too forceful, or too demanding up front. Maybe you want to make sure they are able to spend a couple of minutes in that moment to respond to you. So instead of coming up with a reasonable sentence or introduction, you just send them a quick “hey”. No context, no follow up, just “hey”.

And then the person receiving your message throws their phone out the window.

Because how do you even to respond to “hey”!? Do you just say “hey” back? Are you now tasked with asking them what they want? WHY. Nobody should be put into this position. You interrupted me so what the hell do you want? If you’re going to start with “hey” then at the very least have a follow up ready to go that you can copy and paste right after. I shouldn’t have to now have the burden of your waiting message in my inbox with LITERALLY NO CONTEXT ON WHAT YOU WANT. Sometimes I just send the wave emoji (👋) because I don’t even have the energy to say anything back, and this feels like the most passive aggressive thing I can do while still acknowledging that I saw your message.

And this now begs the question, if you are a person who starts a message with just “hey” and you don’t get a response, but see that the person read your message, WHY DON’T YOU SAY ANYTHING!? The little read receipt is right there, and yet you just let the “hey” hang there like you’ve got a hang nail with no clippers around. It’s like walking up to someone at their desk, tapping them on their shoulder, having them turn around to acknowledge you, and then you just standing there and saying nothing. OH MY GOD WHAT DO YOU WANT. You would, hopefully, never actually do this to someone in real life, so why do you think it’s ok to do this online!? I legitimately do not understand.

Fuck.