On my name change, and why it means more to me than just that
Perhaps you’re coming to this article after a large blowup happened, or perhaps you didn’t; who cares? I honestly don’t think it matters; even if you don’t know me, I’d feel happy if you read this and digested it yourself.
This may be the most honest thing I’ve ever posted online, but it’s what needs to be done. I’ll be delving into some things I’ve been thinking about myself the past few years and the pit I’ve dug myself into and can’t seem to get out of.
If you’re a SOOPER SLEUTH, you may have noticed I’ve changed my name to “taciturasa”: this is more than just some random syllables thrown together to make something sound interesting, but this isn’t the important part right now.
So, WHY the name change?
To put it bluntly, this is me telling myself enough and telling myself to get over my bullshit.
I’ve done a lot I’m not proud of over my time online and the corresponding period in real life, a lot of it very recently. I’ve started fights, been aggressive, evasive, and despite my telling myself not to, have spiralled into a pit of selfworthlessness and pity.
This is me telling myself to stop. Stop with the excuses, stop with the vitriol, and most importantly, STOP WITH THE SELF DESTRUCTION.
When I came onto Discord, I was still very immature, despite my actual age and my attempts to look more than such. It’s not too far back, but I remember my time on the Splatoon Discord and the trouble I caused there. I was posting under the name Austinuity, which I soon changed to RODEA something something WORLDS for aesthetic reasons. I was immature and rowdy and didn’t get along well with others.
A short time afterwards, I created the Undertale server, which quite possibly may be simultaneously the best AND worst thing that has ever happened to me. I created a lot of connections, talked about a lot of things I normally never would have, and learned things about myself I never would have learned otherwise.
It also carried with it a lot of stress, drama, and a slow but steady stream of negativity that slowly ate at me. I was aggressive, argumentative, and chaotic to extremes I’ve never been before, and over things I should have never had any business getting angry over.
Later on, I changed my name to the-eye-sigil after a dispute with another user over similar names. Only aesthetic at first, it slowly turned into an actual change in behavior for me after I quit the Undertale server in a fit of rage and changed myself for the better gradually.
I shortened the name to eye-sigil and made a promise to myself to not get inflamed over minor squabbles, to be more in control of what I post, and to stop obsessing over small details in my interactions.
For the longest time, this stuck; I was finally readmitted to the Undertale server and alongside it I made up with many people I had cut ties with in the past.
I was far from perfect, as I still had issues with laziness, anxiety/fear over my future, and general uncertainty. But for a while I was good.
Then it started to devolve again. After a fortunately failed suicide attempt, I obsessed more over my future and my own self than I ever had before. I started taking things out on other people, instigating fights, intentionally misreading conversations to rile people up, and the like.
I’ve always had a hesitance to second guess myself. Even if I see it harms me, I will not stop it, because I fear being wrong. I fear ridicule for not being perfect, I fear derision for making mistakes. I fear not being perfect.
This stops tonight.
This is the end of this.
I am not perfect.
I have a job, I almost have a license, I have a plan, I have knowledge on things. I have a future.
I have a future and I have to believe in it.
Taciturn- Silence. I will silence my fears on things that I can calm. I will close the threads that I’ve frayed for myself over things I’m already fixing. I will calm.
Tabula Rasa- A blank slate. Not for me, but for everyone else. I hate no one again. I have no issues with anyone. I leave behind my grudges and my malformed hatred. I reverse my decisions on you.
This is the end of an era for me. I can’t keep hanging on to what I used to believe about myself. I don’t know what I’m doing from here, but I have bonded myself to this and this is what will stay. This is an oath to myself.
Who knows what else will happen?