4 Expert Ways to Keep the Brats Quiet

I’ve tried blocking it out, but my neighbour’s kid is constantly yelling at the top of his lungs. Don’t get me wrong — sometimes little humans are…okay. Their innocent little minds can make you smile and forget all the hurt in the world. But the rest of the time, they are wallet-rinsing ticking cry-bombs that scream on buses and make a scene in shops because you didn’t pick up that backpack with the character from Frozen on the front.

So I’ve created a list of techniques to keep children ages 1–10 quiet when it’s needed most. Like when you’re doing yoga or mourning the loss of your vitality. I regularly print out this list, and hand it out to despairing and hopeless parents. I implore you to do the same.


You can stop your toddlers from bawling their eyes out by making them use their brains. Because believe it or not, theirs is functioning, but it’s still not developed enough to mistrust your constant bullshit.

The art of redirection works by distracting your young’un with a challenging question, which makes them think of something else. Something like ‘what noise does a duck make?’ or perhaps ‘has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?’ Here’s an example of how to use this technique.

Acts of redirection work well because much of a toddler’s frustration stems from their inability to communicate what they are thinking, which is why some parents teach them sign language. Getting them to verbalize something relieves some of this irritation, and all their childish woes are temporarily forgotten.

After enough practise, you’ll have your mind tricks nailed down like a Jedi. Really though, redirection works for people at any age. You’ll witness it, for example, when Donald Trump redirects any discussion of legitimate strategies by saying something loud and highlight-worthy. There, I’ve mentioned him now. Where’s my cheque?


A tablet

Get your hands out of the medicine drawer you idiot fuck — we’re not trying to drug the kid. We mean the tablet computer, because it’s best to indoctrinate your children with all your gadgets as early as possible. This generation is the first to be literally raised by the internet anyway, so a tablet is a brilliant way to shut them up for a while. It keeps you quiet long enough, doesn’t it?

Certain apps may improve your children’s vocabulary and math skills, and will help their hand-eye coordination. Or you could just let them fuck around on Candy Crush for a few hours.

But buy yourself some resting time — get your kids some addictive, mind altering, short attention span creating, short-term gratifying technology. At the app store.

A proud iPad looking over her offspring.

Video games

Sure, showing your kids how to pick up a hooker and then split her open with a machete on GTA is probably not the best way to go. But video games really have gotten a bad rep when it comes to development in young people.

Not only do truly great games develop problem-solving skills, creativity, inspire interest in history and culture, and reduce stress, but they’ll shut your kid up long enough for you to practise tantric yoga with your partner.

Not only that, but a study of laparoscopic (small incision) specialists found that those who played for more than three hours per week made 32% fewer errors during practice procedures compared to non-gaming counterparts. Also, employment in the gaming industry is at an all time high and growing.

So if you really care about your children’s future, you should cram Crash Bandicoot and Zelda down their throat at the earliest opportunity.


If all of the above fails:

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