The Emotional Rollercoaster
The ups-and-downs from semester one.
For the entire semester, I had been on a non-stop emotional roller coaster. I felt lost, depressed, anxious, excited, hopeful, and relieved. This emotional ride started after reading Excellent Sheep; I had finally found a purpose for my life. Therefore, when I started the semester, I was overflowed with excitement and eagerness to strive.
However, my competitive side interposed with my behavior and attitude. I wanted to be the absolute best in the IA class. I wanted to come up with the “winning” idea for a startup. When I failed to do so, I became a shark just to feel better about myself. Once I had the reputation of being a shark, I embraced that persona.
But then everything went downhill when I started to doubt myself. Once again, I started questioning my purpose in life, which influenced me to question myself. After a lot of introspection, I noticed that I wasn’t a genuine person. At first, I was in denial of being self-centered; I was afraid to fail. What if being a designer didn’t work out? What if I wasn’t good enough? These questions made me anxious about my value, which led to my meltdown in class.
I left school for a week, and even though this didn’t show persistence, I was able to come to terms with myself and come back strong with a mindset of excellence. When I came back to class, I apologized for my behavior and presented myself as a freelancer. At that time, I wanted to help my peers because I thought I owed it to them. But, the intent was not coming from an authentic place; I just wanted to look less of a shark.
Only after realizing that my positive behavior was creating a better environment in class and at home, I truly started to question how giving value to others affected me. I understood that I was not adding value to the entire class. Adding value doesn’t mean doing my peers work, it means to push their capabilities and help them be self-aware. So I became a Big Z — it was my way of finding redemption.
I learned how to be more confident about my attitude by appreciating the help I gave others; I focused on improving my peers more than myself. But, then this obsession with making others great triggered another problem. I started to micromanage everyone because I saw myself in the work they produced.
Eventually, I understood that micromanaging was unhealthy, so I quit this behavior and started to build trust with my peers. I allowed my peers to fail when necessary, and picked them up when things got notably inadequate. I changed my approach from helping and doing things for others to motivating others. I wanted to trigger their intrinsic motivation for creating excellent work. I noticed that I might have spent too much time motivating people. But as I look back, I don’t regret doing so because it helped me get over myself and put others in front of me. My intentions for helping others was coming from a good place and that made me happy.
On one of my previous blogs, I said that I wanted to remember my senior year as the year that I got over myself. As I look back at my statement, I have noticed that the goal might have been to great. I have not gotten over myself yet. However, I am aware of it, and I am doing everything I can to fix this problem. After all, life is a rollercoaster, and it has its ups-and-downs. All I have to do is learn to embrace the successes and make the best out of the bumps in life.