What should I do with this counterfeit $10 bill?
When I tried to use this $10 bill at the Food U Desire bodega, the cashier demonstrated to me that it was counterfeit. Now I don’t know what to do with it!
Leave it in a pile of cash as part of a tip.
Angel: No! That’s cruel.
Devil: I could leave it as $10 above and beyond what the tip should reasonably be. Then it’s just a bonus of sorts.
Angel: It’s more of a burden than a bonus.
Devil: All possessions are burdens.
Tack it to the wall behind the cash register.
Devil: It would bring good luck to my small business.
Angel: Harmless enough. Do you have a small business?
Devil: There has never been a better time to start a small business.
Take it back to the place it came from and demand remuneration.
Devil: I think it came from this one bar on 5th Avenue. I could go back there and explain the situation.
Angel: That seems reasonable.
Devil: Eh, I don’t want to do that.
Glue it to the inside of a toilet bowl.
Devil: Like at a bar or something.
Angel: So, a guy goes in to pee and he sees it and he’s like, oh shit, I better grab that $10 bill before I pee on it?
Devil: Yeah, but he has to grapple with the fact that other people have probably already peed on it. And he’s either got to rig up some apparatus for grabbing it or he’s got to retrieve it with his bare hands.
Angel: How are you going to glue it there in the first place?
Devil: Maybe I just hope it sticks by virtue of its own wetness.
Angel: So you stick it to the inside of a toilet bowl and then just walk away?
Devil: Yeah…
Angel: So you never see how people actually react?
Devil: I guess not, no.
Angel: You’d either have to wait outside the bathroom and gauge their faces, or go in after them and see if they took the money, or both. And ultimately you’re the only person who’s guaranteed to be touching a toilet bowl in this situation.
Devil: You got me again.
Drop it on the sidewalk.
Devil: That would be okay, wouldn’t it?
Angel: Yeah, probably. Not very satisfying for you, though, I imagine?
Devil: No, yeah, not very satisfying.
Angel: But you’d at least have some hope that it found an appreciative owner. There wouldn’t even be a chance of that happening if you destroyed it.
Devil: Is this about abortion?
Angel: It is now.
Let it go in a gust of wind.
Angel: How is this different than dropping it on the sidewalk?
Devil: It’s prettier.
Angel: Well, sure.
Drop it in a polluted waterway.
Devil: Wouldn’t it be funny if some schmuck went in after it?
Angel: You’d feel bad. You’d want to warn them, but you wouldn’t want to get in trouble, so you’d just stand there and say nothing and feel guilty.
Devil: You’re completely right.
Give it to a homeless person.
Devil: “Beggars can’t be choosers.”
Angel: Oh come on.
Give it to a stripper.
Devil: She’s not going to suddenly stop dancing in order to examine the veracity of a random $10 bill.
Angel: …
Give it to the president.
Devil: He doesn’t have time to look at every single piece of currency he prints.
Angel: He is a busy man.
Devil: But if he catches me I’m *super* busted.
Angel: He could readily pardon you if he wanted to.
Devil: Yes. Smart.
Angel: It is iron-clad.
Conclusion
Unbidden, my wife took the $10 bill out of my wallet and used it to pay for bagels. She did not know it was counterfeit, nor did the bagel place. It is now back in general circulation, where it belongs.
