It’s called Hindustanis and you probably aren’t one you derp

It has been a vulgar and theatrical time for Indian political grounds as Narendra Modi’s right-wing government completes over three months of governance in the largest democracy of the world (by numbers, of course). While most commentators and observers had boldly predicted that religious goading (no pun, intended) would not transition into post-election days, it seems like that taunting in the form of divisive politics is not going to die any time soon.

Today, despite the constant fear looming over the country with the rise of conservative politics, it is exceptionally hilarious and noteworthy that the only politically incorrect term we have heard from the Prime Minister Narendra Modi in recent times has been calling himself a “Hindu nationalist”, which could be forgiven on the basis that most people in the world don’t understand what they actually mean by religious nationalism. Though, repeated opinions and uninformed statements signifying majoritarianism (oh no, not as bad as our neighbours down south) and a shift towards a religious democracy are being reiterated time and time again from cronies and religious spearheads beside and beneath Modi. It is hardly surprising that the conservatives captured the hearts of a country which is unfortunately engulfed with growing ideas of patriotism (the wrong kind if there is a right kind), little political inference, unity and simply put the conviction of “we are soon going to be a fuckin’ superpower someday bc, we might make our own guns for starters”.

The latest of these silly comments comes from a long thread of the RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat’s initiating statement that:

If inhabitants of England are English, Germany are Germans and USA are Americans then why all inhabitants of Hindustan are not known as Hindus.

Jeebus Christ. Since when are the terms English, the Germans and the Americans carrying a religious connotation to them? There is already a term for the inhabitants of Hindustan, it’s called Hindustanis, asshole. It doesn’t refer to Hindus or Muslims. It just means Hindustanis – a term which is not limited to Indians. The ironic thing about this is that the conceptualisation of Hindustan, actually, includes the RSS Chief’s ‘friends’ from the West that he generates special hate for – Pakistan.

And if that isn’t funny enough, the funniest thing is that the word Hindustan doesn’t include all of India. No, the word Hindustan doesn’t include all of India. Sorry, Kerala, you don’t make it here even though you are the coolest state in all of India with your relatively incredible love for human beings. I mean, education and health. Nah. Too overrated, right South Asia?

Historically, Hindustan refers to the “Gangetic Plain of North India, between the Himalayas and the Vindhyas and the Indus river basin in Pakistan”. So, someone like me, for a guy who was born in Lucknow and speaks Hindu/Urdu, I am a Hindustani by definition. Hey, I might be Jewish but I would still be a Hindustani, RELIGION DOES NOT MATTER! Get it? If you go by the modern day meaning of Hindustan, it could refer to the Republic of India but the word Hindustan is rarely used in official context because things happened and people wanted power and now Hindustan is spread across two countries. Oopsy.

Which is why, we already have a term for people who reside and belong to the the REPUBLIC OF INDIA, INDIANS. You’re an Indian, Mohan. Sorry you possibly can’t be a Hindustani, because you are probably not from the regions mentioned above. I love this.

Minorities affairs minister Najma Heptullah who has created a huge political outcry after she was quoted as saying that she saw nothing wrong with the RSS theory that all Indians can be called Hindus because they refer to Indians as Hindus in the Arab World

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. Historically, Indians are referred to as ‘Hindis’ in the Arab World which again doesn’t carry a religious connotation but refers to the people who come from the region of India. Hindus refers to the followers of the religion Hinduism. Just like Muslims refers to the followers of the religion Islam. And Atheists, well, who don’t believe in anybody. Yes, they exist too. I know we are a multicultural and a country with religions that exceeds our politicians’ IQ levels (I wanted to say Alia but she’s a genius). Have we acknowledged those atheists yet, by the way?

But then she made a U-Turn. No, not Alia. I am talking about Najma. And yeah a correct one if I have to credit her. Ugh.

However, she sought to clarify her comments on Friday, saying she had called all Indians Hindi, the Arabic term for people living in India and what she said was “not in relation to the religion but in relation to identity as nationality”. She did not call them Hindus, she said.

It’s OK, Najma. I forgive you. I mean, after all, the world is an easy to get lost in and end up in the middle of a personal conflict considering how you were completely forced into being a right-winger.

I like India though. Kind of. I mean, on paper, we don’t endorse any religion. We can separate the church (mosque, temple too, since we’re India and I have to be PC all the time – where do those Indian atheists go anyway?) from the state and we have to. Because that’s how the constitution works not because you allow it, Jack.