“You can’t choose who you love” which is true… but doesn’t make it good.
- Mike Birbiglia
I have this process I go through whenever I decide to cut ties with someone who is very dear to me. The first thing I do is obsess over it. It’s something I think about night and day. I can’t eat, I have trouble sleeping, I cry to and from work, and I have panic attacks and have to meditate during my lunch period.
The next step is avoiding the situation. So take all of the symptoms from step one and multiply them by 10. I will sleep 14 hours a day just to avoid the resolution I’ve made. I will literally avoid it as long as I possibly can while still remaining semi functional.
Step three is the outline. I write out the pros and cons of the relationship. I take a piece of paper and split it in two. I have a side where I am completely and irrationally honest and over dramatic. In the other potion, I am kind and try to down play the problem and ignore my feelings. Then, I piece together the middle ground from both sides and write a bullet point outline of what I need to say in the conversation and every possible outcome of what they might respond with.
I might be crazy.
I do not like confrontation. I tend to be overly emotional during confrontation and so as to not upset anyone, I smother those feelings, bottle them up, and pacify whoever I need to. I am a very emotionally driven person. It just is what it is. But I always want to focus on the most logical solution to a problem- feeling free.
Cutting off a friendship is not easy for me. And honestly, I’ve only gone through with it 50% of the time. When you are connected with someone so intimately, it’s like cutting a vein. Once the cut happens, you can immediately staunch the bleeding and let it heal, scared and never the same, but healed. Or you can let it flow freely and just like lop off your entire appendage. (Only analogy I could come up with). Either way, this process is painful. And I have a very low pain tolerance.
Attachment is the root of all suffering, its true. But attaching yourself is even more painful. I’m at a loss. That’s where I’m at right now. Only time will tell what happens next.