How To Channel Procrastination Into Productivity

The biggest mystery facing Americans today, besides this wacky childhood obesity issue or why guns keep acting out against us (WE LOVE YOU, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS???) is how to turn procrastination into productivity. People have gotten hideously rich off books about how to be a less disgusting person. Others have gotten $1.70 in monthly ad revenue blogging thousands of words about their deep, exhaustive musings on the subject of you fucking blow at everything you try to do. A massive amount of drunk human trainwrecks have vomited their wisdom and whiskey on strangers at the local watering hole/TGI Friday’s. Everyone insists they’ve got the key to the castle of not sucking shit all the goddamn time. But nobody else has come up with the one, true truth. Because nobody else is me. And until now, I’ve never shared this secret with the world. Maybe it’s all the coffee I’ve had or the whole napkin I ate with my burrito yesterday, but I suddenly feel compelled to share the trick. Brace yourself, because once you read these golden words, your brain will reassess its place in this world in a vaguely suicidal but mostly inspirational way, and the ride might get a lil bumpy.

Are you ready?


The trick to turning your procrastination into productivity…is to make how you procrastinate into your career.

Procrastinate by organizing? Charge people to watch you alphabetize your (or their) DVDs.

Procrastinate by watching Netflix? Charge people to watch you watch Orange Is The New Black and share your stupid criticisms about whatever. Nobody cares what you think about a show but for some reason people will pay you to think about shows.

Procrastinate with sleep? Enroll in sleep studies.

Procrastinate with writing Medium posts? Link to them on twitter and beg people pay you to keep doing this.

You’re welcome. And you know what? So am I. (hire me)