How To Escape Talking To A Man Who’s Too Busy Masturbating His Fragile Ego To Pick Up On Basic Social Cues

By now you’ve probably heard of the pickup artist article about how to talk to women wearing headphones. It’s….exactly what you’d expect. By popular demand (I got five favs on a tweet about it), I’ve taken time out of talking to men who talk to me on the street to write up a nifty list of tips for women dealing with random men trying to engage in conversation with a woman despite her obvious disinterest. Enjoy!

  1. Neg him!
    Men love to be “negged” — this is the process of insulting someone so they feel encouraged to work harder for your endorsement. In fact, men love it so much, they rationalize that the world is “negging” them so they can go out of their way to make human women feel uncomfortable! Here’s a few neat “negs” to rile up that man who’s decided to invade your personal space with his bullshit. Do all of these and you’ll have him in the palm of your hands:
    a. “Your clothes are laughably ugly. You should take them off. Right here. Right on this subway platform.”
    b. “Did you know Otto von Bismarck was known as the “Iron Chancellor” but died because he didn’t feel like treating a mild gangrene infection? You remind me of that infection.”
    c. “You talk like you’ve raped women, but clearly you haven’t. What gives, puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuussy?” (only say this one if you have cell reception and are dialing 911)
  2. Steal his wallet!
    Men love a chase.
  3. Take out your headphones and put them in his ears!
    Let him wilt as the sounds of Adele glide through his fragile heart. Watch as the toxic masculinity fades away and leaves only the small, scared boy he’s trying to hide inside. Shush him if he tries interrupting the music (make sure you own all of Adele’s albums). Hold your hands over the headphones in his ears so he thinks he’s getting physical contact with a woman in exchange for listening to some choice tunes, but really you’re just forcing him to not be able to hear himself speak. By the time the music fades, he will be too emotionally exhausted to puff up his chest and try to woo you like a small, sad Gaston in Beauty and the Beast.
  4. Scream like you’ve just been stabbed in the uterus!
    If there’s one thing men love, it’s knowing that women are weaker than them because our bodies shed a thick lining called the endometrial layer during our period, and this shedding is what causes cramps (and all the blood). Tell him this layer has begun shedding — “Oh god! My endometrial layer is shedding! The blood is going to start gushing out of me any minute now!” If he’s a real man, he’ll rush off to hail a cab to take you to the hospital (so you can run away). If not, he’ll just rush off because talking about girl stuff is gross. Either way, you win!
  5. Tell him that he reminds you of your dad!
    Just stare at him with a far-off smile, repeatedly telling him how much he reminds you of your dad. Don’t answer any of his questions. Just marvel at how much he looks like your dear ol’ pop. For an added twist, believe he’s your dad!
    Papa! Papa is that you?! Mother said you left us! But I knew you’d be back! Oh, Papa! It’s so good to see you! Please, tell me you didn’t mean to kill me. Please, I know it was just an accident, Papa. Mother said it wasn’t, but I’ve spent all these years wandering the thin curtain between this life and the next, certain you would never murder your own daughter.
  6. Summon the power of the great goddesses of Wicca (the most feminist faith) and smite him where he stands!
    This one’s pretty straightforward.
  7. Pull the photographer card!
    Start snapping photos of him, saying you’re a photographer and he’s the most peculiar specimen you’ve ever seen. A man? Who’s so worth anyone’s time that he’s talking up random women on the street because he’s already conquered the thousands of women he’s friends with on Facebook? Incredible!
  8. Remove your headphones and start eating them while he talks!
    Nod intently and engage in the conversation like nothing out-of-the-ordinary is going on.

With these nifty tricks, you’ll be skipping away from the worst thing to happen to you today so you have more time reporting trolls and harassers online, even though you know the effort is wholly futile because Twitter doesn’t know how to enforce their own anti-harassment policies!

If you or someone you know is suffering from Toxic Masculinity, don’t hesitate to reach out to The National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1800–656–4673 or The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1800−799−7233 for information on why you need to stop fucking doing this shit to women. Both hotlines are available 24/7, because assault and violence against women happen 24/7.

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