To the people who told me that i’d never forget my first love, you were right; i was wrong. I always told them i’d get over it, i’d find happiness in my first heartbreak. they told me i’d learn a lesson from it! forgive and forget, they said. but is that what happened? nah.

even though my first love was at such a young and naive age, about 13–14, even at almost 18 now i envy the kind of warm feelings i felt. i was lucky and unlucky; he lived 6 hours away, two stages below me. but in the lucky sense, we were happy for a good 2, almost 3 years. i was content making him smile behind a computer screen; maybe that’s why my first love is so unforgettable.

now it’s 2 years later and i’m almost 18 and about to start my senior year, and i can still remember the date and time of when he decided to end our happiness. i can remember the exact message he sent me and exactly how he started the conversation that day. And a friend of mine brought him up, she asked “doesn’t it bother you?”

It does. Even though my whole body stings when he messages me on facebook or my head hurts when he shares something and i get a notification, i’m content. I’m content with this heartbreak of mine. I remember her asking, “if he came back, would you say yes?”

“No.” I told her, and I cried as i said it. my heart broke as i said it. but it was said. because if he didn’t love me almost 2 years ago, why would he now? it took me lots of rainy nights and red eyes to realize this. it took me long drives at 3am and standing alone at school dances to realize this. he was my first love, absolutely, and i was his. and at one time we both believed we were the loves of our lives. but what nobody understands, is that i came to terms with him losing his feelings for me, a long time ago.

Maybe i am still mourning him. Maybe i am still in love with him. But i came to terms with the fact that he will never see me as his lover again. And that makes me heart hurt, and makes me want to break down. But i am more content with watching him be happy on the sidelines then waiting for a home run that he’s never going to make.

Even now, i think he was the one. but that is the glory of it! I got to be with my potential one and only for YEARS, and we had such happy years together, filled with love. and even though i was so young and dumb, i know now i will not find a love like him again, no matter how many times i’m kissed in the pouring rain and walking down on the beach. I’m content that i even met the one i thought i was going to marry. And i wish him the best in everything he does, and whether he’s in my life or not, i’ll be rooting for him, because i know if he were in my shoes, he’d want the same for me.