My Mother Is … My Family is.
My mother is allot of things , but I choose to see her as a survivor of mental Illnesses.
She is a survivor of circumstances that were very much stacked against her ,
My mother is monolith of living history , a connection to the past.
Yes , I could say bad things about her, but why would I ?
I am her daughter , I have a father figure , but as much crap people like to say about my mother and me.
A father figure is all I need , I tried once connecting with my real father , peer pressure and my sister’s and brother’s all thinking that they know what is best for me.
Not realizing that the third time isn’t the charm.
Plus nobody has your number quite like family , so I tend to love them far away.
It’s really hard to take advice from people who don’t and probably never understand you personally.
Here’s the thing family doesn’t have to understand you.
You’re dad doesn’t need to get you, in fact distance makes sense in that situation.
People tend to remember my mother’s faults , well here’s facts.
We always had food on the table, we had to go to school , and yes my mother made mistakes , that’s just being human.
Without her I wouldn’t be here without her and the way my childhood was I wouldn’t have anything to write about,
When I was just a baby I went to live with my mother, and I have been told so many bad stories as to why my mother suddenly wanted me back .
Here’s my point of view , my big sister told me that I wasn’t part of the family I remember growing up , that I had a completely different family and that I was going to meet them.
I’m already traumatized at this point , but I my big sister’s heart was in the right place.
Here’s what no adult understood, I was feed , and there was a roof and I had a room and a yard , nobody asked me , my sister kidnapped us took me from the only home I knew , yeah her heart was in the right place , and now I get it.
No , as a child I didn’t get it , especially when the abuse and drugs and everything falling apart.
I don’t think my sister knew half of what went on.
My family members didn’t know half of what went on. My mom disappeared for almost two years , and me my brother and my niece were basically held up in a room , With Dion’s pizza.
Keeping the doors locked because I guess that’s how they thought we were being kept safe.
No, I wasn’t safe and never felt safe.
My mother made me feel accepted , and safe , did I like all her choices no , but nobody in my family likes My choices either , hell strangers don’t like my choices.
All I have to say to that , is I was pulled from a home , and was not safe for a very long time , because adults thought they new better.
I had no say , I just know that adults tend to think of children as investments , or cash cards.
No problem , I’m not going to do that, people say never forget were you came from.
I hate that statement it’s very vague , because no one specifically tells what the hell that means.
So in therapy I’m fighting against trauma and all the self defenses , that my Brain is still using, plus depression plus a whole bunch of other crap , that forgetting would be very helpful at this point.
Or something like your child is a cash card ?
Or shouting embarrassing and quite frankly insanely, about private things , I don’t remember ,or recall correctly and that some people would say is not okay to shout out loud.
What I’m I supposed to remember everyone except two people telling to just get over all my mental health issues ?
If you mean remember your family , I do , I remember correctly all my family members , I remember those who are on my side, and those who acussed me of lying and making stuff up.
Here’s my very first thought when I finally left New Mexico, finally no one can tell me what I have to do.
I’m greatful for everything my family has done for me thanks.
Yeah , but I think it’s about time I continue with the loving you over there plan.
Adults only think about what they think is best , but no one ever asked me as a child what I wanted.
Sincerely sugarwolves ,
jagged lil Pill.