Struggling With Mental Illnesses And Motherhood.
I named my son Joshua , it means he saves. He was born six years ago he’s is and will always be the first and most important person in my life.
I am manic depressive type one , mixed with general anxiety disorder and personality displacement disorder, I wasn’t diagnosed with any of these at age twenty Three when I had my son ,
Something was wrong though I love my son but I I still felt the need to be as far away from him as possible. My mind was telling me that I was in no place to be taking care of a infant.
Yes , I left for a year and a half were I completely self distructed drank every other day , went out with random people got into fist fights and just didn’t care about myself.
Josh did this tiny little boy who was beautiful and brilliant had not one clue the hell I put my self into, his father made sure of that , awhile back I wrote him a letter for his eightinth birthday, to explain why I was gone.
When I was stable and came back I had to earn my son’s trust and love again, and vow that I would never leave him again, I’ve stayed true to my word.
Yes I still fuck up , that’s called being human, but my son’s trust is back and his love I will not break that again.
I have fucking issues and it hurts to know that there’s day’s when all I want to do is play Lego’s with him or cook his favorite meal. All I can do is watch doctor who with him and repeat how much I love him.
To Me that doesn’t seem like enough , but mental illness doesn’t care about what you want to do. It’s a dark creepy sleep of a sudden death of happiness.
With my son there’s always been happiness even though it’s not in front of my mind it’s always there.
Sincerely sugarwolves,
Jagged lil Pill.
Joshua, he saves and yes he has lived up to that name a thousand times over.
