Recognizing Narcissist Attacks & Effective Weapons to Arm Ourselves against Covert Narcissist
“There isn’t a soul on the face of this earth that can intimidate you
once you finally learn to trust what you feel.”
At one time or another while Transitioning through our individual journey’s in life; most people will ask this question, “Why can’t I find someone to respect me?” or “Why are the closest people to me in my life never really happy for me?” Individuals that have experienced abusive or traumatic relationships in the course of their lives; with a heightened focus on adverse childhood experiences; have revisited this question and are usually the ones to be inundated by these questions. If you are co-dependent or an empath you will naturally be like a magnet where people can’t see you. As a co-dependent and empath, you tend to become so hypervigilant and concerned about what other people think or believe; you just can’t help yourselves into feeling what other individuals might be feeling. No judgement here. It’s such a wonderful ability isn’t it? It truly helps us be human and allows us to unite with other individuals. It can also be a double edge sword exploited big time by people who lack the ability to feel what other people feel. Generally, in terms of their own psyche and in lament terms- “narcs just don’t give a damn, they don’t care about how you feel.” There is an inability to feel what you feel or even a desire to.
Narcissist will even go the lengths to tell you that you’re not feeling what you feel and will interpret the current issue and what is being communicated into what they might believe your experiencing. With that happening now the conversation, your pain or the issue altogether befalls on deaf ear and the narc absorbs it. The word narcissist comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus (Wade & Tavris, 2006). Narcissus is the dude who saw his own image in a pond and fell head over heels in love with his own image. Well if that isn’t a “feeling” of self-absorption then I don’t know what is! Narcissus has a personality disorder named after him and this is what a narcissist would thoroughly expect. There are so many levels to narcissism, it’s on a continuum. No one narcissist is the same and usually the one-character flaw that many narcs embody is the lack of empathy.
When we are speaking in terms of our feelings in any type of relationship with a narcissist; whether it be familial, romantic, friendly or benign- narcissist will have the strong desire and motivation to be admired. They need and truly believe they are the model to be followed.
The Narcissist Favorite Tools
One of the most effective actions to take when handling issues in any aspect is effective communication. Effectively communicating, active listening and just following cues while engaging can be nonexistent with a narcissist. Adult-like and mature conversation go to the wayside quickly with the narcissist. This is their goal- chaos and lopsided unhealthy situations. I call it Coo-Koo making Conversation. You won’t be able to get from A–Z in the conversation. Make no mistake a narcissist is co-dependent because a narcissist requires a narcissist supply. Let’s remember narcs need that constant attention, power boosters, admiration and the feeling of entitlement. However, they are not capable of boosting their own egos to their satisfaction. When narcissist need that boost of energy or can’t get their way, manipulation works as their first level push button. Green, light, go! They are a lack energy body type that need another energy body to feast off of. Narcissist will suck the life source out of you to increase their power supply to make themselves feel better so to say. Coo-Koo making conversation is so paramount in this and those who have experienced it will be able to easily relate to this.
For example, it could be something as simple as you are asking you significant other this mundane and touch and go question and the Coo-Koo making conversation will go kind of like this:
You: Babe what time will you be in tonight?
Him/Her: Later
You: Well about what time so I can start cooking dinner?
Him/Her: I don’t know. What time do I usually come in. That will be the time I come home. (Leaves out slams the door behind them)
This will leave you wondering what just happened here?! This is where the Coo-Koo making conversation comes in. There will be no form of apology and at most the narcissist will pretend to be the victim and will blame the target for their own behavior. The narcissist will accuse you of something to the point of where they will make you believe it about yourself! You will begin to question your own sanity, mental agility and perceptions. This is called gaslighting. It is a form of emotional abuse. Two popular character traits of a narcissist are: incredibly arrogant and sadistic. They see you as weak and deserving to suffer. Their agenda is to stay above you and never to equalize with you. Their job is to keep you off balance as if you are fighting 4 ghosts at once in a boxing ring. The debate or issue will remain unclear just like the answers they will continue to give you.
Important Ways the Narcissist Like to Target
You just received that pay raise you have been working so hard for. You come home from work and hubby is sitting on the couch watching tv and you announce it to him. Your spouse gives a congratulatory hug or high five on your pay raise; he seems to be smiling and proud. You explain to your spouse you might have to work and extra hour late from this point on after the promotion. Your spouse gladly gives you the reassurance you need. Your spouse obliges. A week later a disagreement ensues between you and your spouseand he coldly and assertively tells you he can no longer support you during that additional hour a week. Now, you will have to find someone else to provide childcare for your smal. children acts. This is a common way narcs like to target and attack by being a hindrance for opportunities which will help another flourish, grow, succeed and climb professional ladders. They want you to feel as if they need to be a part of the plan in order for you to be successful. They need to feel needed. Narcissist will pretend they want you to succeed while they assertively but quietly are praying for your downfall.
One of the most drastic forms of emotional abuse and also a well-known tactic and strategy narcissist utilize is to be subtle and create a smear campaign against their target. This will further isolate their target he/she and won’t be able to readily receive the help needed. When wanting to leave a relationship with a narcissist they will beg you to stay, cry profusely and even try to damage your relationships with other individuals. It’s nothing worse than a narcissist seeing someone that has dismissed them, happy, enjoying life and being celebrated by other people. Remember that celebration should be only for them. They will go the lengths to show you that as well in a drastic manner. This is done by trying to wreck havoc in the lives of others in a controlling and deliberate way.
On an interpersonal note, my mother always taught me people only do; what you allow. This saying can be very true in many senses of the form. However, sometimes there are things happening in your life you’re not even aware of. Covert narcissisms can come like a bomb in the night and you don’t realize it was present hovering over your head in the sky until it leaves its mass destruction. We take things by storm day by day and handle the hustle and bustle that comes with life. When dealing with individuals on diverse matters my approach is usually to move on a path of strength, no-nonsense, clarity, respect and understanding. That tactfulness is tested by narcissist. It can be a very exhausting, hurting and a humiliating circumstance to have someone in your life utilize these tactics to exert power over you.
An effective way that I was able to target the narcissist that was in my life was understanding they will accuse you of what they are possibly doing themselves. So quickly tap into accusations. It’s called projection. I have a favorite adage relevant for projection “a hit dog will holla.” When dealing with particular individuals; It’s best when accused of something…. Just be still so to say. Use logic over emotion. A hit dog will holler is an offended or defensive response to a statement that suggests that the statement applies to the person complaining. Which can be a good defensive measure to boomerang right back a narcissist when they are in high level accusatory mode. Give them a taste of their own medicine.
Socially, If you have favorite activities they will find a way to put a damper on things. For example: during family get togethers they will be off to the side sitting quietly or in another room away from the quality time and fun. I call this action the Debbie or Davey Downers. They will find a negative attribute about the trip to harp on. They will heighten their negativity even more if everyone is enjoying themselves. Narcissist don’t want you or anyone else to outshine them or feel as if your credentialing higher than them. They will discredit your every move until you feel self-defeated. If you have any useful skill that might be beneficial for you in the future they will try to sabotage you in many ways. They want you to be weak as possible and wont teach you things. There goes that codependency monster again.
Your A-HA Moment!
One of my A-HA moments was learning the difference between judging someone and discerning. When I’m being judgmental it doesn’t feel good to me at all. My gut will become uncomfortable. Physically things dont feel right judging. God knows I have been judged so therefore I instantly know what it is. You definitely know its judgement instead of discernment because data is there. Whatever past experiences are present they have been inputted in your brain. Your brain will play with this information. It’s not your brain’s fault. We judge because we have been judged. When your judging someone; you know it. You feel mean, nasty and contempt. Your pretty much walking on the dark side when judging individuals. When your discerning, your body is light with a positive aura, your mind is focused and open-minded. You are walking in in the spirit of light. If you have a conversation with someone and their response to you is always an unsupported stance then what you might be experiencing is what psychologist call shift responses. A conversational narcissist will also change topics mid conversation. Conversational narcissist must be seen and heard in the conversation. They have a very difficult time being able to support other people. Understanding this will also call you to check yourself and to see if you do this in conversations. The more you learn about the way you communicate you can take accountability for it. The narcissist comments will usually be unsupportive of your comments. This is so important to realize because you become aware of how some individuals communicate. You can discern. You can stay right in your light body and discern on what type of person and I’m talking to. I believe we all need to tap into the spirit of discernment to protect ourselves.
On many healing journeys in todays society you are taught you aren’t as valuable. There are so many ways in society at large that tells us we are not enough. Listen carefully: You are enough, you were enough, and you will always be enough. The fact that you are tapping into your consciousness and your living in this reality constitutes you to be enough. The biggest AH-Ha moment for me is when I realized my feelings mattered. What I think and feel matters. Another weapon used to combat narcissist attacks is to stop looking for validation in success or anything that you do. Understand you hustled hard, put in that work for yourself and paved the way for yourself and other. Give your own self a pat on the back and BE YOUR BIGGEST SUPPORTER. When being vilified during a narcissist attack. Don’t react so quickly with emotion. Utilize logic. Sit and move in silence. My mentor always told me be still, observe and listen. A narcissist wants high emotion, yelling and pandemonium in your life. They feed off it and that is how they gain traction and recharge. When Narcissist use projection towards you. Have the self-realization stance on board knowing once again you have the right to feel the way you feel, and you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. Narcissist don’t enjoy and try not to at all cost in taking responsibility for their actions. In one way or another they try to tie circumstances to other people by shining the light on others instead of themselves.
After my experience with a narcissist I learned over time that understanding what narcissism is was a key component in battling and beating those individuals at their own game. Being in la longtime marriage with a narcissist and overcoming the various forms of abuse will give you transparency when you meet an individual not showing their true colors. This is sort of like beating your chess instructor to a chess game finally after many years. If you want to beat a narcissist you need to understand you can’t change them. They are in love with themselves just as Narcissus was at the pond with his reflection. Don’t waste your time! They don’t want to change and narcs pride upon emotional manipulation. A narcissist will exploit the needs of a codependent. As I stated earlier use your logic not emotions. Keep your emotions intact. The more out of control you are of your emotions the more in control the narcissist will be of their own and in control of you.
Keep your vibrations high and your frequency unmatchable. You want your aura to shine extremely bright.
Don’t be lured or awed by inauthentic auras. Inauthentic auras are also one of the decoys narcs use. These individuals tend to be very dark natured in their thinking process. Their overall personality will give you vibes of mysterious, coy, low-key subtle emotional vampires. Don’t believe the hype! Don’t go spilling your heart and soul out to them. They really don’t care. Without a doubt this information will be stored and used to exploit you for personal gain later. They may have special artistic ability, be very charming, eye candy galore! It’s easy to fall prey to these individuals. I say to: Detach and cut contact from them by using emotional detachment. If you can’t leave them then learn how to handle them. In some situations, cutting ties completely will be impossible if they are a loved one or a family member. A good thing to try is to help them develop empathy. Instead of criticizing them encourage them to feel compassion. Be mindful and gentle. Yes. I said it! I know this may sound a bit bewildering but if your unable to cut ties maybe try the gentle touch. We must remember just because they are narcissist that doesn’t mean they are horrible individuals. It’s estimated that up to 6 percent of the U.S. population has narcissistic personality disorders (narcissism for short), which is more common in men and has its roots in childhood. Many of them came from childhoods where there was either neglect, self-entitlement, overcontrolling authoritarian methods which insist on perfection, winning, and toughness from a child. A domineering and devaluing parent will also play an important factor on their child becoming a narcissist.
Some common sense but serious traits to embody or improve on would be confidence. Empowering yourself and getting on a path to practice self-autonomous behaviors are paramount. Kick inter-reliant relationships to the curb. Don’t let shame and humiliation diminish your light and power. Most importantly know your worth. A spade is a spade. Don’t let someone come along in your life and tell you a duck is pig! Covert Narcissist can be a tricky monster, so I always tell individuals don’t drink the Kool-Aid. If you doubt yourself, you doubt everything you see. If you make the mistake of judging yourself, you will see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.