Why do some goodbyes have to be so hard?
Doing what you have demanded of me is becoming the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. You are asking me to leave my soul somewhere and forget where I found it. I don’t think you’ll ever be able to understand how accurate that statement feels to me.
My heart feels so broken.
Not because you told me to leave, no that was an expected aftermath. But because I pushed away everything I’ve ever wanted in human form. I’ve never felt the way you make me feel, and doubt I ever will again.
You saw and ripped out parts of me I didn’t even know were there. You held them in front of my face. You showed me who I could be if I let go of who I once was. Who I truly am when I am given the gift of escape from it. You gave me my freedom, and it simply made me feel so bound to you that I couldn’t ever fathom giving up on you. You triggered something in me that made me want to run until I couldn’t breathe, scream until I was hoarse. Die if I had to. But only if it meant that my lifeless and finally resting form was at your feet by the end of it all. In your arms.
I could scream into a thousand voids today, and still not feel better. The only thing I do until it exhausts me now, is cry. Putting this out into the world is making my breath heave and catch in my chest, but if I don’t put it down somewhere, it will start to bleed into every other aspect of my life. My eyes sting with the tears I fight back during every sentence I type.
I want you more than you have ever been wanted. I lust and long for you so much it causes me physical pain. Unbearable, physical pain.
As everything crashed down and fizzled out, I realized what I hadn’t seen before. I didn’t want to fight you. I never wanted to win. I just didn’t know how to deal with what I was feeling. Didn’t understand how you could make me forget all of the many cautionary tales I’ve lived. How can a complete stranger convince you to do things you’ve never had the balls to do, since simply dating one man at a time has been so dangerous and painful for you?
How was I supposed to know I could trust you? I didn’t. But I wanted to anyway. I wanted you anyway. I was willing to risk it.
And that scared me more than you will ever understand.
But I was not as afraid as I am that I will never find someone like you again. That I will never have the chance to serve someone so brilliant and sexy again. That I might have cost myself the only chance I had at such true, real, open happiness. That you, will be missing in everything I ever try now.
I can’t get the taste of you out of my mouth. The feeling you invoke out of my veins. You permeate my every thought. My every desire.
And something in me is dying without you.