Why I seem to obsess over matters of the heart/emotions/intimacy, etcetera.
I have Borderline personality disorder. I have a mental health condition which essentially is partially explained by saying “I have clinical depression, anxiety of all kinds and complex post traumatic stress disorder all at once.” Which basically means not only am I like this, I will always be like this. The choice in that revenue, was never mine to make.
Hooray for me. I’ve been medicated since I was eighteen, and they finally gave me the right diagnosis. Until then, for three years I had been medicated for bipolar disorder. My condition, however, functions in a similar fashion but as if bipolar got up one morning and decided to start taking steroids. It’s not an easy condition to have. I’m lucky that I’m even self-aware.
Because of this my emotions play a very big part in everything I do. They are very strong, very hard to deny and almost impossible to tame. I can’t just “get over things” like you can. I physically can’t. It is torturous.
So instead I have learned to record my feelings. I write them down so they don’t feel so heavy anymore. Sometimes, with some things, it helps me put down the hurt for a while. Not always, but you can’t have everything you want, now can you?
So if you ever get bored with how often I seem to spout on about the same things, please understand that these are probably things I feel so deeply and strongly about, that I need to put them down for a while. Even in moments when that might not exactly make sense, sensible or not, it is truth nonetheless.
This is basically my way of saying don’t blame me for it if I tend to go on and on and on about the same thing for a while. I know I do it, but I don’t mean to, and I don’t get to choose whether or not I do. I am one of the things in the world that “just is.” I’m not theory, I’m fact. At. All. Times.