“I’ve been watching every Zac Efron movie, which has been fun.” I told this to my therapist during our weekly Zoom session. [EDITOR’S NOTE: this was not even far enough into quarantine where that would be reasonable to say]
“You know, I don’t think I’ve actually seen a single Zac Efron movie.” Those were the words she said to me.
I have a new therapist now. Her name is Christine Wittenborn. She did the costumes for the worst movie of 2016, Dirty Grandpa. (She also worked on 2007’s Zodiac, which is a thing that REALLY makes me feel banana bonkers foster, hahaha HA!) Dirty Grandpa was my twelfth Zac Efron film in a row. I’m sure you’ve wondered what happens to a person who’s twelve Zefrons deep, yes? I can’t answer that. But I can rank all (most) of Zac Efron’s outfits from Dirty Grandpa and you can read it. You can read it for free.
[EDITOR’S NOTE AGAIN: I AM STILL GOING STRONG CURRENTLY GOING ON MOVIE 19 ]
But, like, to be clear, it’s not that Dirty Grandpa has the best Zac Efron looks. (Obviously that’s The Beach Bum, where he has sweet ass Heelys and a beard inspired by a panini. Also he was in drag in Baywatch and Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising.) He’s not at his hottest, or his lowest, or his most outlandish. I just. I just want to make this all perfectly clear: I’m doing this solely because I am going insane. [EDITOR’S NOTE: feeling not insane at all anymore actaully i’m normal now]
Alright!
15. GRANDMA’S FUNERAL
We “start” the “movie” off with “Jason’s” worst “outfit”. It’s not actively bad, but it’s nothing. There’s a nothingness to it. But I get it. Who wants to upstage the corpse?
14. WHITE BELT. KIAI!
This outfit only exists so Robert De Niro can make fun of his white belt (agree), causing Zac to take it off (agree) so we can see his ass (agree). But I’m not ranking Zac Efron’s ass here. I’m ranking his outfits.
13. PARTY? OR WHATEVER THE FUCK?
I can appreciate a patterned blazer, but this… this is not doing anything for me. And, really, how could it, with De Niro in frame, showing him the fuck up right now???
12. WEDDING BRUNCH REHEARSAL? MAYBE?
Big fan of the pink here. But if my lore recall is correct, and it is, that tie is supposed to be coral. In what fucking world is that fucking coral? DO BETTER CHRISTINE
11. NOT-GRATUITOUS KARAOKE MOMENT
Yeah, it’s a shirt with jeans, but he sings in this scene. I watched it twice. I watched it once and went back and watched it again, a second time. So that’s two times. One, then two. It’s not what you wear, it’s how you wear it, and Zac wore this outfit while singing.
10. CALLING OFF THE WEDDING
This is just the singing outfit with a Ralph Lauren jacket over it, but I’m horny enough to think that that plus the tiny bit of blood on his face really adds something. [EDITOR’S NOTE, A FACT CHECK: at time of writing the author was indeed disconcertingly horny and having that tiny bit of blood on his face did in fact, really add something. because of this impairment i am retroactively decking it one numerical,]
9. GODPARENT TO HIS UNCLE
I like this one because it’s well after he’s broken up with his fiancee, so it establishes that she was not the one making him wear all the brand new J.Crew that’s coming up on this list. I also like it because the baby blue matches his stupid eyes (and his dick matches the baby’s because this is not a good movie)
8. “MITT ROMNEY TERMINATOR”
His most worn outfit is this Vineyard Vines pullover with a plaid shirt and matching AQUA PANTS. I really like the pants in this movie. In the first image you can see he has some lovely maroon socks, and in the second you can see he would spread my nudes around the entire country club! A fuckboy, a DILF, and a gayboy walk into an outfit. The punchline to that joke is that I’m into it
7. LAVENDER MARRIAGE GOALS
Sweater looks soft. Stripes. Pants. Orange. I don’t have anything else to say I’ve already spent hours of my life looking at this ensemble
6. “IS THAT A BEACH SWEATER? DID YOU JUST GET DONE SKIING?”
Same look as number 8, now TRANSFORMED. The douchedaptability here, it’s phenomenal. MALIBU KEN DOLL KING SHIT
5. HAKUNA MATATA
While compiling these screenshots, I realized that a picture of Zac Efron wearing this outfit was my phone background in high school for a while. Don’t know what to do with that besides recognize a crop top that says “hakuna matata” with fringe paired with yellow pants with bloodstains on them appeals to all versions of myself
4. “LESBIAN GRANDDAUGHTER”
Zac says “well, that’s just offensive to lesbians” while serving vest in a missing screencap you’re just gonna have to trust me on, and he’s in like a flexing competition or something later on i can’t remember why i just wanted to say serving chest for the rhyme here wow this is incomprehensible moving on
3. G O L F
SOLD, sooooold, I am sold like a kidney at a black market :-) In THIS scene, De Niro says he looks like “the keynote speaker at a butt-fucking convention” to which I nodded at the screen. Sagely. [EDITOR’S NOTE: mad sagely like]
2. STOP STARING AT MY TITS PAIRED WITH PANTS COVERED IN A STRANGER’S JIZZ
This outfit was a turning point in my life. I’m self actualized, now. I have perfect hearing and perfect vision, now. My goldfish came back to life
- BEE / ACCIDENTALLY SMOKED CRACK BUT ONLY LIKE A LOT
This is outfit NUMBER ONE because I wanted to remind everyone that the best outfits do not need to have“clothes”. #OBJECTIFYMEN
