SH!T MY TODDLERS (PROBABLY) TWEET

Hi, I’m Jen, a mother of two adorable toddlers that I love to death.

I love everything about them except the excessive amounts of time they spend on their smartphones!

Selfies of their milk bottles on Instagram.

Pictures of their ultrasound on Facebook for #ThrowbackThursday.

And worst of all, the excessive amounts of tweeting!

OK, so obviously my toddlers can’t tweet, but if they could, I bet it would go a little something like this:

We’re in a recession and juice boxes aren’t cheap #Groupon

Baby proofing a house is a conscious plan to minimize the danger of neglecting me. #ParentsOfTheYear

A toddler’s three most beautiful words: sugar, nap time, and Night-Lite #AfraidofTheDark

There are 10 girls in my daycare named Sophia. Did no one’s parents see the second season of Walking Dead? #Netflix #InTheBarn

I wonder if Sophia is willing to go dutch on this playdate. #5050

Went to the bank with mommy today. Peed on the floor while we waited in line #WhenYouGottaGo

I love my dad’s bedtime stories especially when he puts elements of his own marital problems in it #Awkward

I wonder if Kanye West makes designer diapers. Probably would still be more clothing than Kim ever has on. #NotSayingSheAGoldDigger

I don’t understand when adults say the softest part of me is my head yet daddy bangs his on the wall every time I have an accident. #Concussion

This is my friend Dillon’s second stint in sugar rehab… It’s called time out. #ToddlerWithdrawal

Dillion relapsed when I saw him doing a line of pixie sticks. This daycare needs tighter security. #ToddlerNarcos

With all the sugar my grandparents feed me I’m starting to think they either really love me or really hate my parents. #GrandPayback

I love sleeping in my parents’ bed. My mom’s hair makers her look like Princess Lea and my dad’s C-Pap machine makes him look like Darth Vader. #TheForce

I cried when my uncle said he had my nose. Mommy cried when daddy said my uncle had my nose, eyes, ears, and birthmark. #YouAreTheFather

I always call daddy to wipe my bum after I poo #IOwnYou

Mommy hates it when i draw on the walls but it’s just my way of having a say in the decor #LoveItOrListIt

Lucky for you, I’ve just discovered even more tweets on my toddler’s smartphone.

You can check them out here.

I guess this is just the beginning, since we all know that tweeting is addictive.

So take a break between the temper tantrums and enjoy the Terrible Twos in all their deliciousness.

Because these babies are still tweeting. And they’ve got important things to say.

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