My Life with PMDD

PMDD: A darkness that is hard to shake

I was diagnosed with premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) in 2007 though I suspect I've had it since my teens. PMDD is a terrible mood disorder that plagues me before, during, and after menstruation. Yes, for 3 weeks out of any given month, I’m on edge. It has nasty physical effects from bloating, migraines, insomnia, severe cramping, clotting, heavy hemorrhaging, and of course, boob tenderness to even nastier mood effects such as hopelessness, depression, extreme irritability, restlessness, and anxiety.

If PMS is a dragon, PMDD is the Mother of All Dragons

PMDD isn't your standard “bad PMS”. It’s much, much worse. It’s PMS on steroids and can absolutely make your life miserable if you let it. This blog is dedicated to all women who suffer from PMDD. I hope that my stories give you some sort of comfort and healing. You are not alone and most importantly, you are not going crazy.

PMDD’s a potty mouth

PMDD makes me feel like I’m losing my mind. Several months ago, when it was at one of its many peaks, I hated every one and every thing. I’m not talking about regular irritation. This is genuine, I wish you were dead, off-the-chart irritation. The driver that cut in front of me without using a blinker. I wanted some kind of voodoo curse to instantly flatten his tires and spin him out of control off a cliff. The sound of babies crying. I wished no one would ever have another baby again. I’d think, “Fucking, shut up, you fucking baby! Hey there fuck face parent, why the fuck can’t you make your fucking baby stop crying?” The person in the grocery store that blocks the entire aisle with their cart. I wanted to plow right into the cart and say, “Move your fucking cart to the fucking side you fucking, selfish ass! Fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck!! Fuck.” I seethed with poisonous feelings and fuck became my go-to word.

Would killing myself stop the madness?

If the tiniest things that strangers (and harmless babies) did bother me this much, imagine how much those closest to me made me feel. I pushed my anger down until my rage was at a constant simmer. I was a live wire. Like clockwork, my irritability and anger turned into restlessness, anxiety, hopelessness, and finally, depression. My depression was so deep that I’d obsess over different ways of killing myself. Plotting in my head which way was the cleanest and quickest. What tools would I need? Which stores would I need to go to? Then, I’d snap back into, “Why am I thinking like this? What’s wrong with me?”

One bad feeling shook hands with the next.

Then sweet relief. My period would start and I’d slowly come back to feeling normal.

I still have these feelings, but they are not nearly as extreme as a few months back. I’m learning how to tame my PMDD. This blog is part of that process. I have some tips and stories on what I've done to ease the struggle that I’ll share in future posts.

Here’s to taming PMDD, together!