Dear Friend, I am Crying and Depressed, too, but life tells us so what we got sh** to do!
For those who feel like no one understands. Sister, I do!
I woke up this morning, and it took a hell of a lot of convincing to get out of the bed but like the rest of the world, I had shit to do. I took care of others, and I took my blues shelving it to that back of my list because like you, life does not cease and desist because your heart, mind, and soul are hurting. I wanted to sink under the covers, turn off the lights and hope I find a resolution to what ails me. My body ached, eyes were swollen from crying and the nagging thoughts whispered, “I am not good enough, not worthy, I would forever be broke, lonely, angry and horny.”I wondered why I keep trying so hard to be on top only to never touch my destination. I fear to share that once again I’ve fallen apart. How easily I can validate and celebrate others but not me. How I could count my failures and not my wins. Depression does that and please know it is without permission. It is at this moment I am depression’s child.
Today I wanted to sleep the day away just to escape how I really feel inside. I didn’t feel like pretending I was happy when I was feeling like a ball of confusion and sadness. Yet, I reminded myself that bills are due, I can’t fail myself, friends and family because depression reared its ugly head. I cried while making business calls, doctor’s appointments for my son and pretended it was allergies. I almost had a meltdown because my phone broke yet I pulled myself together because I got shit to do. I made my clients, children, friends and even a stranger smile while my own happiness was in the lost and found. It is what we do while we are at war with our emotions. We keep going because life doesn’t give us permission to stop and most of all we deny ourselves a period to seek help. My motto be responsible while crying.
Why? I could lose everything I built, the verdict would be out I’ve failed. I am a woman with burdens and the truth is ain’t nobody got time for whining. I am the repairer of what’s broken so we can’t afford to quit. The dynamics of our families will crumble, everyone is demanding I fix it and lately, God isn’t hearing my prayers at least I think. Every hour on the hour I am asking for a break, an assistant but in between those prayers, I have to fix things for people. I have to make it in this world I made a promise to myself. I wish my depression would go away but in the meantime, I won’t let it control me. If I let it win I could sink me to the bottom. So, I continue to keep pushing because I am breaking the generational curses on my life and family.
Sister, please do not feel less of a woman I, to have melted a few times this week. I ate too much, or too little. I thought if I work a little harder, give my blues to the grind, hustle like no other chica and yet for me or you reading this is just isn’t enough. Does it all sound familiar or am I tripping?
Sister, though my blues ain’t like yours and yours ain’t like mine. I, too, handled all the burdens placed on me without saying no. I fix a few problems, created a new career, even taking classes to so I can secure the financial bag and counseled a few broken souls. Answer the boss, clients, children, and family members call but hit the ignore button to the self-care I so desperately need. Why some may ask who never had this battle? I don’t know how to. It seems like a sin to choose my needs, to repair the woman inside because then I would have to make time. I would have to say No. I would pause the clock and miss out on my opportunity to be great. A few of my friends will read this letter and ask, “why didn’t I tell them?”
Can I be honest? You would have told me to think positive, to pray about it and most of all I will get over this. For the record it is deeper than positive thinking, prayer and most of all depression isn’t something I can just get over. As far as praying I am on the top of the Jesus please help me to do list. I pray every hour on the hour. I have affirmations on my wall helping me to not fall deeper than I already in. YouTube motivational videos are all in my news feed.
Last, I do not want to burden or stress you with what ails me. I don’t want to be the misery that needs company. Please know this about me, not you. I am not blaming you for anything. I am not asking you to repair me. This is all me. Accountability is key and believe me I refuse to blame anyone.
For my sister friends going through a blues named depression. Please know you are not alone. Truth is, depression is blues you can’t just can’t shake. I get it, sister. I love you and even though cliche we will eventually get through this with proper help, therapy, medication and loving yourself. My words are sincere.