Fighting to keep the Faith!
I was five watching my little sister laying in a coffin she had a big afro, white gloves, and a pink dress. A woman sitting next to me said, “keep the faith, baby girl.” My mother took me to the church with me and my sister, Patricia. I recall people praying over my sister, my mother and me. Women and men of God asking for healing, and strength. Every time something went wrong it was the words said to me. “I’m praying for you and God got you. Better days will come.”
With each tragedy and loss, those words rang in my ears as loud as a church bell on Sunday morning. As my brother is battling for his life and other obstacles have hit I’m losing faith. I am losing hope, real talk. Like millions of people battling life’s obstacles, one thing is for certain and two things are for sure I am not alone going through hard times whatever they may be. I guess I have questions for God but word is we can not question him so they will go unanswered. So, I will ask my readers how do you handle when prayers have gone unanswered? I will ask pastors to help me understand so I can contend in the battle I am having in losing belief. How do I keep the faith in some of the toughest battles? How do you hold on a little bit longer because none of it makes sense not only for me but any person going through hell right now?
This is deeper than my brother laying in the hospital bed, deeper than my son battling keeping his kidney alive and taking all the hell life can withstand. I am talking devastation while millions are on their knees praying. Those who apply with faith the work. Those who tithe faithfully and are of charity. I’m talking about every moment you watch a bad person become rich and a good person poor and struggling. Those who shake their ass and get all the cash and others who pray faithfully and go to church or trying to figure out where their next meal or healing is. The crooked rewarded and the good losing for me doesn’t make sense and it never will. For those faithful to Lord but always battling the ills of life. Yes, I know there are people that are blessed and highly favored. Those who love the Lord and win on all levels. I guess I truly misunderstand God and his workings.
Faith without work is Dead!
I remember a few years ago returning to church because someone said, “You have to work on your faith.” Each Sunday I entered church greeted by smiling ushers who hugged me. The praise and worship team filled my soul, God’s words preached and yet leaving the church doors hell seem to break loose. I began to think maybe I am not praying right or hard enough. Every drama came my way, every attack shook my soul. I listen to sermons, change from rap to gospel music, abstain from the lifestyle I once lived and even cut back on cussing. I asked a fellow Christian, “What am I doing wrong? Why is all this stuff happening? I’m in church like God wants me to. I am trying here and yet the attacks are heavy. Help me understand this?” She went on to say, “ the devil wants you to quit.” I thought that makes sense so I continued but the attacks became stronger and my faith dwindled. I didn’t stop loving God but my faith loss in church. I stop going I couldn’t handle attacks because it was weighing heavily on my mental health and love for God.
I tried to understand the difference because from a little girl I’d go to church and a loss or tragedy would occur. Everything seemed backward instead blessings overflowing all hell would break loose. I am not blaming God or church just sharing my personal experience. Maybe because I grew up in a home where three forms of religions where practice. Maybe the mumbles of generational curse I keep hearing, but when do the chains break?
I love God but I don’t understand him and at this point in the game, he is confused about me. At least, I think. I am sharing this experience publicly because only my therapist knew of my battle with faith and hope. I am seeking it but I feel lost. I am praying but just maybe I am not praying right. I have yet to get it and maybe I never will. I know that I am not alone in this battle. The world to me, the struggle and watching life unfold for others makes no clear sense. The battles I watch of others makes me lose faith. Those winning and yet breaking every commandment makes zero sense to me. What I am learning is maybe faith is consistency even when all hell is breaking loose. I have a lot to learn and not afraid to ask for help in this battle.