Heart In Repair- The side effects of Him!
The Heart was made to be broken-Oscar Wilde
He means the most to me but it is costing me. I let him go and close the chapters, now he is gone and the question is how do I start over? 44 and overweight, a house full of kids and their friends. Still chasing a career and now on the list of my to do is to find a mister who qualifies. Now I have to reconfigure this broken heart because it has some wounds refusing to heal. Now I am heartless because I made new rules of not tolerating bull and shit for the smallest incident. It hurts too much it takes too long to repair this heart of mine. Rising above this moment but the facts remain loneliness is fucking me up. If someone tells me to pray for the right one been on my knees until they are bloody red I will scream. If one more friend tells me to fix me up and he’ll come. Tell me why come Big Bertha and them with bad attitudes, broken minds, hearts and shit going on got her some him? Maybe I don’t qualify and I rather accept that then stand to be hurt again. Protecting the woman named Tamyara I made a decision to bow out of this race called love. To leave the happy endings to the books I write. As I have this last cry I make the rules end this search. Scars so deep and this woman named Tamyara will let go and remain focus on her career. There is no repair for this broken heart because I choose not to be fixed or set up for failure.
The Lesson I Am Learning
“Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you’d been before the fall.”-Jodi Piccult
I experience enough heartbreak to know this one hurts. Maybe because I practice patience, forgiveness, and acceptance. In the process learned to love without criticism. I accepted his failures because I made mistakes so this one for the record made realize I may not qualify to be loved. I know I am possibly being a pessimist but I have accepted the fate life has handed me. The failure of love has taught me about Broke, lonely, Angry & horny. It has taught me that after several heartbreaks that I will never be the same after this one. That it’s side effects left a lasting impression on what love really means. I’ve lost faith in it. I know now that love is for me is to write about and that it is just a distance.
I am no longer the same and I am just one and done with it. I will fix this heart by pouring it into writing. No matter the repair or the patch up job you will not be the same. I cannot let this take me down but become a realist in this situation. I made a decision to put a 100 percent into my career, refocus and realize all of his lessons taught me to see the truth.
I am looking at this moment of grieving, of goodbye as one of the most valuable lessons in life. To see that I mourn but my life was changing because even though someone may mean the most it is okay to let go. The risk is too high and lost of yourself is expensive.