I Should Have Told

By Tamyara Brown

Sexual Assault Awareness Month

He sat eating dinner with​ my family and I every night.

A welcome guest and predator who stole my virginity.

Kisses on my lips, feeling up my skirt, and surrounded by family I still remain hush.

He was the family favorite, the man who said grace and gave each of us twenty dollars.

I remain hush because it hurt to speak.

So I begin to lash out hating my mother for not finding out the secret.

Even though repeatedly she begged for me to tell her what’s wrong.

I pretended he was king and she was the bitch.

Over and over again taking my aggression out on her.

It was easier to be angry versus speaking the truth.

He was the man no one believe at least it was what I conceived.

Night after night the welcome guest and predator enter my room.

I pray for someone to slay the fucking dragon

Prayed for my father to kill his brother.

So when my secret kept staying under cover. I became hating my father who should have guessed his kind, fine, and sweet brother was stealing my innocence. He was my attacker and I said nothing. How could I speak when fear muzzled my words.

In my heart I was begging Daddy to hear my silent cries?

Truth is he begged me to speak and even assumed a mother fucker was touching me.

Why?

Fear

Why?

Shame

Why?

Being branded a slut

Why?

Because I thought. I assumed.

I became captured by silence and truth.

I should have spoke up because his victim was now my sister.

She too was frozen in silence and to keep her secret she committed suicide.

Guilt rained over me because I had the chance to tell but I didn’t.