She lost her soul on the I.R.T, Part.4
Goodbyes Welcome Truth and Freedom
War and I didn’t sleep last night, we took naps but our minds wouldn’t allow us to rest. We watched This is Us, ate popcorn, had a conversation on how we yearned for a family like Rebecca and Jack. I wanted a husband like Randall who loved deeper than the river flowing and War said he wanted me because I was his wife. He makes me blush without permission, desire to break a rule simply to be in the circle of War. He allows me to be myself and I feel as if he is holding back. Secrets keep us at a distance. We lay in my bed, he wrapped his legs around me and allowed him to feel comfortable. I learned his breathing, his heartbeat and the scent of him without cologne. I let him trace his fingers up and down my hips, play in my braids and sing to me. We didn’t have sex but intimate with one another. Touching and massaging our back, hand, and feet. Gentle kisses to the cheek.
Yet, the memories of my mother plagued me and reminded me of what I could become. I have flashbacks of me becoming her and I am scared. My wall of accolades, degrees, and certificates in marketing, and only a picture of my sister. I don’t have history it buried on the tracks of the A train. I notice today while the sun is shining I keep the curtains closed. I don’t want the sun to reflect on my sadness. I stand and stretched listening to the sounds of India Aire. Upstairs my neighbors are playing Soca music and I can smell the scent of Caribbean food spicy scents. Mrs. Marcia will knock on the door and hand me a plate and greet me with a smile. I want peace and it is why I am having the sit down with my father. My past is murkier than the beach water at Coney Island. I need to resolve the mysteries before that day my mother shot my sister and then herself. Clarity is the word I am seeking for freedom.
Last night War fought his father in his sleep. I watch his chest rise and fall, his hands swung from side to side and he yelled obscenities. He jumped up and gasped for air. I rubbed his back and rocked him in my arms.
“He is dead but alive in my dreams. I can still feel the punches, the belt across my back and even feel his hate. I have to rid myself of him forever. I must stop loving a father who doesn’t love me. I need to say goodbye. I have to.” He walked to the bathroom, the shower water came on and his suit was against the wall. His phone rang and curiosity said look at the name and I answered,
“Who the fuck is this?”
“Um, his friend. Who I am speaking to?”
“His brother, Quell. Tell him I know what he did and if wasn’t him it would have been me. The door opened from the bathroom and I jumped. He was dressed in all black. He looked so handsome, he smelled like Armani cologne and I knew I could be welcomed by his presence every day.
“I answer your phone.”
“I can handle the truth, War.” He leaned against the wall.
“I have to handle something with my father who is deceased.”
“That is your truth.”
“Okay. I’m ready.”
I couldn’t handle his beef and the one I was about to face with my father. He held the door opened for me, the sounds of Method Man and Redman blared through the speakers. He turned it down and he said,
“After the funeral, I will share my truth. I will open up more because I want my future wife to know everything about me.”
“Okay.” It was the word for the moment. I was conflicted about War but fascinated by his swagger. I wanted to run but in the same breath kiss him. When he speaks I want to take in every word he says because he is knowledgeable. His wisdom inspires me to do and be better. When he wraps his arms around me I feel like I’ve been sealed with safety.
He blurts out, “Are you nervous about the truth about me and your Dad?”
“Yes. War Did you kill your father?”
“He was dying so I assisted him. I pushed more of the medicine in and it killed him.”
He said nothing and drove forward. He had a teardrop down his face.
“Before he got sick, he beat my mother so bad she lost sight in her right eye. She wouldn’t leave him. My brother and I would beg but she believed love would heal them. You will see the scars, the bruises, and the marks. I had to for her.” He clinched the steering wheel and made a right turn. We pulled to Bethea missionary Baptist church.
“I wanted him gone so she could have freedom. “
“Are you going to jail?”
“My truth is unforgivable in God’s eyes but he deserved death. The doctors said pancreatic cancer killed him. It was a combination of me giving him the drug and cancer.”
“I can handle your truth. I even understand it.” I popped him on his head and continued,
“First and last warning do not hide the truth from me. I can handle it no matter how fragile I am a lie will break me faster than the truth. Honor me as I have and will you. Now I forgive you.” I turned my head and I kissed him on the cheek.
“My oath to you. Truth is yours from me. Rainbow, listen to your father and understand his truth even if it hurts. Let it be your freedom don’t let it suffocate love, peace and the joy you deserve. Don’t let it break you, baby. That day your mother killed your sister and harmed herself, that dude who no longer want you shouldn’t kill love inside of you or nothing that steals your beautiful smile.”
I took a breath and I knew that I am connected to a man named War. He makes me believe that this shit will finally pass into the past. Outside of his window were people dressed in black. War prepared to step out and I held his hand.
“War, you are magic to me. I don’t know what is going on but you are not your father. I’ve never met him but you, sir War are super dope.” He smiled and this time kissed me on the lips. I felt an explosion of emotions ignored. We break away and I feel dizzy. He steps out and people greeted him with hugs and handshakes. He opened the door. The church looked the same, the music played from the intercom, and I walked into his sanctuary. The snooty, pitbull face secretary and my half-sister Melanie called out to me,
“Rainbow, our fava ( Brooklyn slang for father)is in prayer.”
I snapped “My father knows I am in here and I am walking in.” She sneered and I put up my middle finger. She stood and I walked close.
“Are you standing to get your behind knocked down in the Lord’s house? I suggest you plant your a…” My father cleared his throat and called out my name, “Rainbow, our meeting.” She crossed her arms and smirked.
“Snooty whore cunt. What saved and sanctify prisoner or paster you dishing your germy pussy too now? Huh, whore?” I mushed her in her forehead. We were born a month apart. She loved married men just like her mother. Freckled face, big ass, thin waist, and fair skin but dumb as hell.
“Whateva, you mad because our daddy left you ma…” She closed her lips and sat behind the desk.
“Rainbow.” He yelled and it echoed throughout the hall. His robe neatly pressed, he towered over me at 6'4, he had a small mole on his nose, bald head and fifty pounds heavier. I walked into his office.
“Hello. We know how you don’t like to conversate with me and your fav child is outside. So, spit your truth. What happen?” I hit his table and snap my fingers.
“Always brutally rude of you, Rainbow.” My father said
“You told me you wish I wasn’t born. Remember that or did you forget? Whose really brutally rude?”
He folded his hands and took a deep breath.
“I was angry and I’ve begged for your forgiveness. I’ve attempted to fix our relationship with prayer and reasoning. Like your mother you are difficult”
I fold my arms and look away from him.
“I just want was the cause behind my mother losing it. How many times do you call me? Please, you want nothing to do with me. Keep it real, Dad.”
“I cheated on her. I slept with other women but I didn’t break your mother. She was sick already, Rainbow. A broken woman.”
“You shattered her, Dad! Take ownership and admit she would have been fine. You might as well have pulled the trigger.” He slapped me across the face and I threw the gold ball at him.
“You took them away. You did that and your cheating on her shattered her. As long as you live don’t put your hands on me.” I tossed another object and he swayed his head.
“She is bipolar and you know she wasn’t mentally healthy. I messed up but your Mother is a sick woman. You know she has always had issues. I loved her at one time but it is difficult to care for someone like her.”
I broke down crying.
“And like me? Chronic depression, nightmares, bouts with anxiety and I’m on medication. That’s why you threw me away to Nana and refuse to take me in again. Let’s chit chat truth, come on Dad. Say the words you never say.” I shouted.
He held his head down and didn’t look at me. I continue,
“I know I was trouble. The problem child with a smart mouth. My favorite excuses you couldn’t raise a girl and your wife won’t allow me to stay.”
“You know why you and your sister fought all the time.”
“Real fathers don’t let their tramp wife put their daughters out on the street. People of God abandon me. You chose them over me when I just lost everything. I lost my sister and mother. It was me with their blood all over them. There you are a newly ordained pastor and not one time did you pray over and for me. Not one time, Daddy. I needed God, prayer and my father. How did you not understand that? How could you pray for hundreds of people and forget me in the crowd? You forgot about me. You ruined every belief in God I had. My soul on the train that day was the one you forgot to pray for and I lost it like my mother.”
“I was hurt too. She was my daughter and your mother ruined everything. She was weak.”
“ You too, daddy. A weak man who broke vows to God. All the means words, the times you made her feel less than human. She didn’t deserve that no matter her mental state. Ugly, drop dead, pig, rotten woman, stupid, bitch and the waste of a human being. You said that! You think I don’t remember Mommy begging you to stay. Do you think I don’t remember the names you called her? How you broke her spirit talking to the tramp you call the first lady on the phone. You didn’t want me because you stop loving me. Admit it, damn it. We represented people you despised weak women.”
“Leave Rainbow, now!” He shouted.
“You can’t admit the truth in God’s house but I can. I hate you and what you did. I hate you because you hurt my mother beyond repair. It was a dark cloud, not your Rainbow. I remind you of the truth. Now I can leave and walk away free. You can pray and do whatever but you assisted in the shattering of my mother and the death of my sister. Goodbye, phony ass pastor. You don’t have to answer to me but you will answer to God.” I turned on my heels and my father called out my name.
“Rainbow.” He stood and walked towards me.
“Forgive me. I was in the wrong.” He attempted to hug me and I pushed his arms away.
“I already have now go find forgiveness for yourself. Goodbye.” I open the door and War was standing outside, my sister looked away from me. War saw that the truth was cracked open my soul. He was wide open, eyes red from crying, and my father stepped out. War pulled me into his arms and I released tears again. He cried.
“I do love you, daughter. I always will love you even if you hate me.”
He took a slow walk down the hall. I could hear him pleading with God to forgive him. War took my hand and said,
“I am free.”
A Year later.
War and I are sitting at Juniors holding hands. I gaze into his eyes and him into my heart. I broke the rules and I am married. I’ve forgiven my father and mother. Move on with life, take my medication, laugh with my man, I have friends without fear and I am no longer’s depression child.