The Lost & Found
I looked in the mirror one morning and I became invisible. I was missing and the heart of me was beating less. I lost the spirit of me, and I don’t know how to get it back. I thought of how selfish I’ve been to myself while being selfless to others. How easy it is to forget your wants, needs, and desires. To bury them six feet under because we are about our family and careers.
A moment of silence from noisy teenagers and young adults gave me a moment of reflection. I lack the thrills of life. I work hard, and I play less. I want more but it requires so much of me. To remove my blues I read and listen to motivational speeches. It keeps me from thinking too much. Life is always on repeat and I pray for the moment of bliss and numerous happy moments. I promise I will scream from one end of the block, “I’m finally living, B!”
When I am invited out I am doing what others want which is so cool yet I’ve lost my groove. I’ve been missing myself awhile now and the question swirling around my head. What makes me tick outside of writing and graphic design? When is the last time I did exactly what I want and not give two fucks who it offends? Never. I thought by now I’d have this mastered. I blame no one because I know I practiced and eventually became accustomed to putting off want is joy and happiness. So, what exactly am I doing? I’m unraveling, seeking, searching in hopes to connect with the woman named, Tamyara. I am working to create my plan of happiness. I don’t want to wait for people, life and circumstances to change anymore. Waiting keeps us losing the adventures of life. It put me on pause and in that hours tick away; I live in regret of the things I missed out, and it hurts. I am not looking for pity but I want women to stop saying No to what makes them happy. I want them to dance, travel, kiss who they want and be at peace to do them without guilt. I want that for me.
The one thing I know for sure is no one is in charge of my happiness. Two, I’ve made choices to stay stagnate out of the love for my children, fear of rejection and lastly thinking there is no pot of gold at the end of my rainbow.
The Power in Telling Ourselves No
I told myself no way more than yes because I didn’t want to disappoint people. I thought what I want isn’t important because I have time. As we all know time moves rapidly and waits for no one. So often I rationalize with myself about my journey especially being a caregiver of a chronically ill child and the mother of a large family. I’ve said No with tears in my eyes and a heart shattered. You think, “my time will come. So be patient.” I’ve learned even though patience is a virtue it is also a pain in the ass. I feel guilty, buying a new dress, going out, getting my hair done because of my children or grandchildren needing something. I know I am not alone and the power of saying No can control you. It has a fear and guilt factor that programs us to neglect what fuels and pumps our blood.
Operation Let Me Get My Groove Back!
I identified the problem now what the hell am I going to do about it? I will start the work. I am writing a list and putting down my wants, desires, and needs. I adding dates so I can make me accountable. I have enlisted a kick-ass accountability partner who will not let me say no. Next, I will not try to do something drastic like get on a bus and leave. (Sidebar: Slowly logging out of Greyhound and Amtrack. LOL! No seriously, I was picking a destination, and I packed my duffle bag. I watched Juanita three times on Netflix.)
All jokes aside life is just about paying bills, working your ass off and not seeking your joy. It may be many people’s fault why we lack doing what we love but I made choices. I am taking responsibility. I am challenging my friends to first find what you have lost and find it. Live fearlessly whether it is once a week or every once a month. Live your life and even if it is getting on the bus or Amtrak picking a location, then do it. It is cool to do what your friends want but get into the habit of doing what makes you tick. I am on a journey and now more than ever I want to be found.