Too Good At Goodbyes!

I am not new to saying goodbye I’ve mastered it. Now, I like the pleasure of saying, “He is here is to stay without fear. I want to believe in happily ever after. No pretending for the special occasions of fronting for friends,Facebook and Instagram. No bullshit. No watching you leave in my darkest hour. I shouldn’t fear to love you and vice versa.- Tamyara Brown
Goodbye is the hardest words to say
I heard your voice, my heart skipped a beat, love overflowed, anger followed and I became cold. The words wanted freedom but love held them back. Fear reminded me that this was the deaf sentence of love. It reminded me that giving up on him meant love would never come again. I said goodbye more than I said hello to relationships with men. The biggest mistake was staying but the side effects of wondering could I or we make it work. Goodbye is a thief of believing in love again, it makes me fear to trust, and it is permanent. Love lives in my heart but hurt had my guards up. We have issues and it was clear in the coldness of my voice that I was devasted and disappointed. I wanted to love to make me foolish but commonsense and pain said, “Girl, you’ve been through this scenario.”
My heart reply, “Please, be patient because you love him and he loves you. Your lonely, you miss him and when you close your eyes he is the only man for you.”
Reality sits in and a reminders flow in, “You’ve been patient. You're always in the yellow steadily waiting. Don’t you deserve to either be true to yourself and choose to either go or stop?” I want to avoid the answer, rewrite the rules and damn it I want to believe in my heart. My heart has played a lot of tricks on me so I lean towards commonsense but love wants me to become foolish. I’ve invested time, but not energy, I’ve taken breaks but I didn’t stop loving you.
Love is…..
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”
― Anais Nin
An hour conversation and the words I feared saying still did not escape. I ask for truth because I needed freedom because my hope was love would write a letter of forgiveness. I am a fighter by nature, a believer that love will conquer all. I love him and there are times I hate it. Real talk! That we can have a conversation and deal with our mess. Isn’t that what love is pushing your ego aside just for the sake of it. Was love dead for him and me? Was love living because we choose to be blind of the errors or accept it because we’ve are imperfectly perfect?
Let me be honest I fear telling him goodbye because it is painful and I love him. In spite of the ache, the weariness and the errors love will make you second guess your decision to leave. It will remember all the good times, push aside your pain and find the magic in love.
