A piece inspired by the teaching of English Teacher Kelly Gallagher. When I turned 40 I wrote a similar piece but my life has changed dramatically in 5 years.
This is 45.
Forty- five is who I am now. Do I feel my age? Yes and no. Who is to say what 45 is “supposed” to feel like?
At forty-five I am knowledgeable about many areas of life but imposter syndrome creeps in often. I have accepted this will happen forever no matter what my business card and degrees read.
My last five years were full of turmoil I sometimes wonder if I am being punished or living backward. I own the least amount of possessions but have more love than ever before. I have learned lessons I never would have thought I had to.
I brought the 7 foot table and the Pampered Chef pot. I left behind the dressers, the lamps, all the dishes, and the family curio cabinet.
I am more tuned into my intuition and ignored her for too long. I did not appreciate her as I should have. I have a resurgence of energy now that she is back. We are back on speaking terms.
I adapt to change better now. I have adopted the philosophy “The worst they can say is no.” I have started asking for things I want.
I still have to work on tone and being defensive and personal development.
I know there can never be too many books.
This is my 45.
I am at the age I answer a request with “NO” and no longer feel the need to explain myself.
I pay attention to first impressions. I know I don’t have to do “all the things”.
Doing things out of simple OBLIGATION has ceased.
I cannot bounce back as quick as I used to and I get mentally tired quicker.
There are times I still don’t feel like an adult.
This is my 45.
I have let go of toxicity in my life. I have no space for these people anymore.
My beliefs have changed greatly. I believe in reading, writing, love, and always carrying a little cash.
I am harder in a lot of ways. It just is. Silence is my friend.
Marriage is better and I can be who I am. I laugh at what I think is funny. I say what I think to be true. I pursue my passions without being judged.
I know cycles are more a part of life than timelines.
The cycle of the seasons.
This is my 45. This is me. NOW.
I would love to connect with you! Please comment so we can chat.
Tammy Breitweiser is a writer and teacher who is a force of nature and woman of honor; seer of nuance; accidental inspirationalist; keeper of the little red doors, and conjurer of everyday magic who is busy writing short stories. A future Minnesotan temporarily hiding in Indiana, her poetry has been published in The Storyteller Magazine and her flash fiction in The Ninja Writers Monthly and Elephant Never. Her essay is published in the I Wrote it Anyway anthology. You can also connect with Tammy through Twitter @TLBREIT.