On loneliness and oscillations

I have always been surrounded by quasi narrow minded conservatism and suppression. I have been told to conduct myself closely to a sheltered ascetic during my teen years. Quit time with your friends, get those grades, fire your passions … of which I all did, blindly . Quit your expression, be austere… avoid spending time on enhancing your appearances, let alone dressing yourself with sophistication and great style. Academically, it proved to be useful. I had enough time to sharpen my concentrating ability and increase my persistence in the art of study and studying itself. I achieved what I wanted to out of a pre college education( note: not a holistic education; it’s the lacking version focusing on the quantitative value of grades) . My successes motivated me to propel and work toward reaching higher heights of success. But,

I cried to myself every few days to sleep or out of nowhere trying to face the possibility I was lonely, experiencing depression and I could never become who I wanted to be. It was a classic case of suppression that was causing all this anguish.

Where I came from, growth was equated singularly to the growth of knowledge. Achievement of growth via social groups and expression was disregarded. It was too late when I realized, all this deprived my ability to interact with other people. Something so fundamental never became a part of me.

All of this made me live in extremity. Extremity ranged from loneliness, temper, uncontrollable emotions, depression and strong desires to change.

Fast forward, I arrived at college. The prospect of college presented me with a liberating atmosphere. To my surprise, it made sense that I didn’t have to panic and punish myself for screwing up my interactions with other new students in hopes for positive relationships that would make me a better person, deject and fight suppression altogether. Everyone wanted to make friends, duh. Their walls were lowered and it wasn’t a hard task enjoying one’s kindness and amicable nature.

A change in environment swung me to the other side of extremity. Too positive, but not good.

I had this false assumption when things were going well for me, that everything would be okay. The positive transition in environment is the end for me. It will stay that way. Since, I’ve survived a great deal of negative experiences, a few bumps along this bright road wouldn’t matter. Something more chaotic and unprecedented was within the wraps.

I eventually found myself not being able to deal with being alone and a feeling little lonely anymore. It was hard experiencing tiny hints of depressive symptoms. My friends pointed this out and urged me to think that it wasn’t healthy in the long run. The fact that I had these little fits would present the risk of slowly destroying the relationships I had with those who believed in me and were around me. I believe I indulged too much in letting go and forgot what was it like to prepare and get through the worst. It was a tiny but snowballing effect that grew without my total awareness.

It makes sense that it is very easy to oscillate between two points of extremity. Hence, one must adapt to reach a point of perfect balance to endure.

I admit I was naive. I just took any opportunity to relieve me for the better without fully understanding the implications of it in hindsight. For someone who enjoyed the present, it is hard to think about the future. For so long to escape and forget one’s past and present, the emphasis on the future has been excessive. Once a desirable present is reached, why emphasized on the future to be rid of a non-existent worrisome present? Hence, I realize a bigger road to recovery is ahead of me.

I must seek a balanced composure and conduct that will help me adapt and retain endurance when extreme changes occur. Liken this to the example of a simple harmonic motion of a pendulum. The motion can be drawn into three defining points a bob will experience. Two points are extremes of where the the bob will be and the other is a point that is perfectly situated at the middle of both extremes.

The extreme points are characterized with a minimum of kinetic energy and a maximum of potential energy. The middle point is characterized by a maximum of kinetic energy and potential energy. The potential energy is converted to kinetic energy at extreme points and because of this, the bob immediately passes through the middle point to oscillate to the other extreme. It is hard to stop at a perfect point of rest. The only significant effect that the bob rests in the middle is because of dampening oscillations resulting from external forces such as air resistance and tension.

By this analogy, I have to face the brevity and intensity of the oscillations. Life is capacitated with so many life changing experiences that can possibly help me reach a more stable point that will help me endure onward.

It makes sense of put in significant effort in self control and remaining calm. For it is clear that the pendulum isn’t part of a perfect world, always oscillating without the necessary energies not converting into another useless form; it is in reality.