Don’t find your purpose — live your intentions instead
I spent most of my adult life trying to work out what my purpose was. Firstly, I searched for it as if it was something I had lost. Like an old penny that had disappeared down the back of a sofa. Then I searched for it as if it was something I’d forgotten. Like trying to remember the lyrics and melody to a song from childhood.
Years later I had one of those ‘a-ha’ moments when I realised that it wasn’t so much something to ‘find’, it was more something to ‘choose’. This filled me with a sense of agency and unshackled me from my rigid thinking. My purpose wasn’t immutably written in the stars. Rather, it was something that could evolve or even completely change over time and depending on my circumstances. But still I struggled. I wanted a pithy personal mission statement that I could tidily wrap, put a bow around and refer back to whenever I was feeling a bit lost. But the statements I toyed with sounded trite. And I kept changing my mind anyway.
The combination of existential angst and perfectionism meant I was getting tied up in knots about my purpose. It became a cause for concern rather than something to explore with gusto. Even when people suggested that the purpose of life was simply to enjoy it or to learn or grow….I just couldn’t shake off how ‘important’ the search was. What I’ve found for myself and for the women I coach is that ‘purpose’ can be an earnest, heavy and serious word; so laden with significance that it is stifling. So, here’s what you can do if finding your purpose has become a rod for your own back. The multipotentialites out there may find this useful too:
1) Explore whether finding your purpose equates to goal-based achievements for you. If it does… where has this idea of purpose come from? In whose eyes is something an achievement? Could it be that choosing to be kind, compassionate and loving in very small ways is more meaningful than some grand ‘higher purpose’? Letting someone cut in front of you on the commute to work? Holding space for someone who is grieving? Talking to the homeless man? This is particularly powerful if your ideas of achievement and success were handed down to you or are in any way out-dated.
2) ‘In this moment, what am I choosing? I love this question which I first heard posed by Deepak Chopra. Asking it can be a moment by moment lifelong practice. It can unearth some really interesting ‘stories’ that you’re telling yourself and also help you to make better choices without getting too much in your head so you’re still allowing life — which can only be experienced in the here and now — to happen. And those answers can give you great insight into the general direction you’d like your life to take.
3) Forget purpose and work with intentions instead. You may find this gives you a whole lot more scope and is way more enjoyable and explorative — as opposed to serious and heavy. And you can explore what your intentions are on a day-to-day basis. I find first thing in the morning before you’re even out of bed works best. A great way to uncover your intentions is to ask yourself this:
How do I want to feel?
Who do I want to be?
What do I want to give to this life/day/week? (as opposed to what do I want from this life?)
Over the weeks and months you might find some themes emerging. You want to feel ‘freedom’ be ‘creative’ and give to others ‘through deep listening’.
Your purpose might be to travel the world, but this year, or for the next 10, you need to make money to feed your kids and pay your mortgage so you’re doing a corporate gig. But your intention can still be to be adventurous. You can approach life with the spirit of adventure regardless of whether you’re working in an office, playing with your kids, or making dinner! So, don’t get hung up on your higher purpose.
Feel into each day by exploring or remembering your intentions. You may be surprised by what those are, how they shape your day and how they inspire you.
