I Didn’t Wish For — Right…

Tania Yasmine Nur Salma
Nov 1 · 2 min read

Days ago, someone slapped me. Really hard. I was really shaken to the point I could only sit there and stare at them. I was numb. I didn’t even remember that I let my mouth opened until they told me to close it. Stunned, if I could say.

It left a mark. A big one to be exact. It got me thinking for days and honestly, I am still thinking about it at this moment.

Um, by the way, it didn’t hurt. Well, before you guys assume any further, I need to clarify things. No, I wasn’t slapped physically but yeah, it irked me. No, let me clarify again, it is irking me. Their words slapped me hard, right in the gut.

You are grateful, you said?

Simple question, right? But, it takes me long to ponder about it. The question keeps repeating itself in my mind.

Wandering. Spinning. Spiralling. Plaguing.

Is it gratefulness or is it just me trying to plague the idea of gratefulness inside? How do you explain being grateful? How do you know you are being grateful? Wow, such a paradox of thinking lmao. Somebody help me!

Actually, I feel I’ve been grateful enough. But, I don’t know. Like, you know, sometimes I am grateful and sometimes I just can’t get enough of something. I want more and more even though I am aware of the reality.

I don’t know. Gratefulness is not something that’s easy to talk about, right? What am I getting myself into… No, but, seriously, this thing has been lurking inside my mind. Lmao.

You didn’t wish for this? Seriously, you did.

Yeah. I did. Haha.

I just realized it like, I don’t know, the beginning of February? That time I questioned everything because I thought I didn’t sign up for all of these. That time I questioned the heartbreak, the unexpected agendas, and everything. Mainly the heartbreak, though.

But, at some point, I suddenly realized that, yeah, I did sign up for this. I did wish for all of these to happen.

Well, the unspoken prayers are still prayers, right? All of our prayers don’t always have to be spoken, right? I mean you can just think about it repeatedly and boom, suddenly it happens. Because at that time, the realization hit me like oh, damn, right. I once wished for this albeit secretly and probably, unconsciously.

So, yeah. Believe me or not, our wishes or prayers, whatever it is, really help us to become what we are now. Be it the ones you ask yesterday, last year, or even a long time ago that even you have started to forget about it. Lmao. That’s why I think I have to refrain myself from saying, “I didn’t wish for this” or “I didn’t sign up for this”.

Because, who knows, I probably did?

Let’s just be careful what we wish for, shall we?

[11012019, 09:57 AM]

Tania Yasmine Nur Salma

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