Or why I quit spiritual seeking after almost 10 years.
I have been seeking since I know myself.
Serious seeking had begun in 2009, when my life turned around, living me with divorce, depression and a new baby in my hands without any means of support, no access to public funds and no relatives in the UK.
Post-natal depression diagnosis didn’t lead anywhere, but pills that got me to feel worse and reduced my coping mechanism to nothing.
On a good side, I had a secure and interesting job with great people with the opportunity of professional growth, exciting travels, and meeting many new people.
Being a single mum without family support is an extremely challenging position to be.
Not that it ultimately lands single parent into disempowered and financially vulnerable position, but for me mainly it was about the sense of loneliness, feeling like a misfit into the societal family image and lack of belonging.
The most challenging part was to keep going. I knew I was capable and resourceful to rebuild, to start again, but doubted a great deal my ability to make good choices for myself. I looked at my personal life as a failure. Failed long term marriage was never planned. And I was living in a shadow of questioning it all: Myself, my judgment, my worth, my looks, my habits, my sense of style, my behaviour, my liking of men, my choices of acquaintances, etc.
From then on, the hardest bit was to make life important decisions. Choice sounded like potential punishment. The devastatingly dangerous part here is not to create a new unhealthy self-judgments based on previous failures.
My marriage is broken because:.
…I wasn’t good enough,
… He was a terrible guy, a mistake,
… I am not attractive enough/too young/too old/etc
… We never meant to be together…
… It wasn’t a real love…”
Mind can produce a whole list of reasons — hundreds of “Why”, simply because the mind is looking for the way to be in balance again.
Mind will seek in the whole list of scenarios or WHYs one “why” that will give us a sense of peace and acceptance and ability to move on. Or in other words.
It’s programmed to seek the balance. It’s a mind’s job.
Until this WHY is found, we will not have peace. And some of US may find themselves seeking and talking about issues that happened ages ago that still hasn’t got needed closure.
I began seeking with my visits to Psychiatrist, Counsellor and Marriage Councillor. I think I soon became frustrated as I found at that time that it was rather a slow process without giving any assurances of me feeling eventually better.
Later, I was introduced to Reiki Master and begun studying Reiki. And with it, the whole new perspective on life was introduced to me.
The best part here was that there was finally a solution offered. In spirituality, most modalities that I later encountered, there is a certain hope for a miracle is offered.
And that is what made spiritual seeking so attractive to me. It’s appealing to those whose coping mechanisms are running on extreme low, who lost hopes, who feel broken and often lonely and vulnerable and who seek some personal closure. As I was back in 2010.
The best part of seeking was an introduction to meditation and mindfulness techniques. It clicked with me immediately. For the first time, I was able to relax within myself genuinely. And today, I remain a total believer and supporter of mindfulness techniques.
In 2011 I came across Life Alignment — the healing methodology that finally seemed as bringing all dots together. The all-inclusive, pioneering, dynamic approach to the healing of body and mind.
I decided to study it, and by 2016 qualified as a practitioner stopped my full-time job and started my practice.
During 2011–2016, I have become a devoted meditator, attending different meditation retreats, among which my favourite tradition — Vipassana.
I as well started practising Yoga, participated in different Buddhism practices, inclusive of Nichiren Buddhism, Kadampa Buddhism and various spiritual movement events and festivals.
I encountered works of many great teachers — Ekhart Tolle, Sadhuru, Adyashanti, Mooji, works of dr J. Dispenza and other spiritual pioneers.
I received many extraordinary enlightening, awakening experiences. I met utterly out of this world people — beautiful human beings. My Faith in the goodness of the World was established. I have become self-aware and sensitive to my environments and developed massive intuition.
While doing complex healing sessions for people, I would become more fascinated about the abilities and limitlessness of our minds.
Why am I sharing all that?
Yesterday, I met a good friend of mine, and after good-hearted sharing, she mentioned that Adyshanti is running silent retreat over five days.
And the idea of silent retreat suddenly rung the bell.
Yes, I want some! I exclaimed.
You see every time I said yes to a spiritual xperience I said yes to the opportunity to continuingly seek and finding something.
Retreats, balances, healing processes, meditations always bare a hope for “healing”, or “getting the answers.”
Secretly, I had a hope that every new experience will finally get that Final Fix for me. That something there will say “Hey TANIA — you are good to go now. Your life will be smooth like that water that Jesus walked on.” 😊
I was hoping if I do more of the healing work I don’t need to do the hard work of facing reality — that is not always about flying Unicorns, Angels and Mystical creatures. Who I absolutely admire btw.
Living life on Earth is about facing it — for what it has to offer.
It’s not about a quick fix — never.
Quick fixes obscure our ability to experience LIFE for what it is.
And to be honest when I came finally to see it in February 2019 — I became so angry with myself. It shuttered me down. I closed most of my projects that I ran. And stopped offering “healing”.
Now I only Offer Coaching.
I realised that while being in the mode of seeking, I was avoiding and missing out so much on this only precious thing I have ever had — my own LIFE.
Today I see that seeking was about avoiding being my own best friend.
What I was seeking was me.
As it’s only through the process of becoming my own best friend I could finally begin to trust myself and my own decisions, be really loyal to myself, sticking up with my promises I made to myself, be kind to myself, be loving and accepting towards myself.
I am my own BEST FRIEND.
Being own friend, building this relationship — it’s a life long challenge.
But how amazing to have a good buddy that you can rely on 100%. That you can trust their loyalty and that you can have lots of fun and adventures together.
As I took a train back home after meeting my friend, I chaotically checked the silent retreat with Adyashanti. After some consideration, I added two tickets for an evening talk with Adyshanti in London, that is run by Alternatives on coming Friday.
Just before checking out shopping basket, my attention was taken by a group of people who entered the train carriage: two middle-aged women and two teenagers.
“Mother and Aunt”, I thought
The girl was holding an artisan box, beautifully decorated with word “Bread” written on it.
Being a total artisan bakery lover, I was intrigued by this elegant looking newcomer to the world of bakers.
Next thing, the girl opened up the box and pulled a beautifully shaped, crispy, light brown skin doughnut, that had a dollop of caramel cream attached to a side (almost looking like a cheeky fringe on the head)
I lost myself while observing how the girl made her first bite. And my mind was trying to read and feel what girl did: “How was it? Good? Great? … I can see it’s amazing. And looks very pretty... ”
Disclaimer: I am not a huge doughnut eater :-) But it looks as once I saw a masterpiece, something made with love and devotion, I find it hard to ignore.
Then I stopped myself from shameless staring and returned to check out my shopping box.
Where I was … Adyashanti evening talk. Two tickets…
... No. I am good.
The girls eating doughnut happen to bring more aliveness and colour to my perceptions then the idea of talk on the scene of spirituality.
And that is how I got my very last point in this story.
I got my 10 years of an amazing journey of self-awareness and taking responsibility for all crappy and not decisions that I made and didn’t.
I found my long seeking Miracle — it happened to be ME!
Life is about living it unconditionally.
We have zillion choices of how we want to do it — choosing something that makes you most happy.
What is happy?
The moment, when the world is full of colour, music, deliciousness and feeling of aliveness.
It can be that first bite of artisan doughnut or a glimpse of Vincent van Gogh “Starry Night” or anything that stopped your mind from regularity at least for a moment.
I don’t know what exactly may make me happy next.
But I surely believe that there is plenty out there as long as I keep my mind open to it.
And it’s all there is to life.