I’m emotionally and psychologically impaired. And I wan’t it to change.
I’m not afraid of the idea of commitment.But the fact that I’am emotionally and psychologically impaired of being committed looses my credibility of having one.
I saw myself back when I was 7.I was molested and sexually harassed by my playmates who are 5 years older than me. When I was 16,My father molested me ( That time he mistaken me as my cousin.).Knowing he committed adultery a couple of times to my mother I lost my confidence and respect to him. I become rebellious that I also adapt his qualities of needing the power of always being right and superior.My sister got pregnant at a very early age. Seeing her being submissive as my Mother relying only to the command and power of men.I subconsciously adapt this traits as I get through life.When my father died I got the feeling of not being under in his control anymore. I do well in school and some aspects of my life.But there is something I missed about him that I started to searched it to other people. As I turn 20 with the influence of alcohol and poor decision making. I was raped by the guy who ask me out for a date. That time I felt so bad about myself that I even thought of being less than what I’am worth of. After him I got more curious and unease with myself of not exploring my sexuality. One day I was caught up with the idea of letting myself out. In 2 weeks time I had sexual intercourse with 6 different men Ages from 28–68. Another poor decision making. How I got myself into this? I don’t even know. Maybe its the feeling of being pleased of submitting myself into this pleasure.I felt guilty because its religiously wrong.Powerful because I leave this people with intense need of wanting me more.Regret because if I turn back the things I have done. I wanted to be the good girl.
I started to read more books of being the woman I should be, A kind of woman you will look with admiration respect and someone you will build your life with.but it only last for days,a week or a month.The cut inside me was too deep to change quickly. So I just change my hairstyles a couple of times to convince myself I’m someone different and new.
It became a habit. The Regret become less evident,The Guilt become pleasure.And the Power of conquer and being conquered become more addictive. It’s been almost a year since I left home and I’m dealing with my life alone.Away from my home country, my mother and everyone else I know.This again become my excuse of needing a company saying “I want to enjoy a little bit of thrill.”
Counting a year and 2 months time since I was sexually harassed. I reach the number of 15 different men that I had sex with from different Range of age,status,culture,race and sexual desires. None of them is someone special or I’m in-relationship with.I wan’t myself to stop. But the desire of seeking pleasure is too strong. I tried to avoid my chances of going out with Men, I started to think about women hoping I will be satisfied and stop looking and searching for more.But I never get my chances to meet someone with potential.
But the guilt of not being able to protect myself from my desires hunts me each time someone will come and ask me for a serious commitment.I tend to push quality men and accept someone who will make me excited and thrilled at the moment and then drop them off once I get the feeling of attachment.Because I’m afraid to get hurt.Who doesn’t?
Now I meet someone I would consider special. He reminds me of things I should remember to myself.Someone who showed I’m still worth the risk, the time,effort ,love ,And the kind of affection he shows that I thought I no longer deserve.
He is completely aware I lied to him a couple of times. He even told me
“I’m just blind.To see the truth or I just don’t want to see it. I want you to tell me.And I hope I’m wrong.Just don’t hurt me too much.”
I want to change myself. I don’t want to make this “Needing excuses” anymore. I don’t want to be afraid. I wan’t him to stay with me. I don’t want to mess up my chances again.
I believe that people come into our life to teach us something valuable about ourselves. And when they come. treasure them… You will either learn from your mistakes or its them learning from you while you are making the mistakes.
My history does affects me emotionally and psychologically.My past mistakes does not mean I will be the same.What is important is the present. From what I can change today to who I become tomorrow.
In him. I don’t seek pleasure. I seek understanding.I become more purposeful as a woman.I’m not somehow lost.
I don’t want to wait for the day that it’s too late for me to take chances. I’ve done enough.And I wan’t it to stop.For the sake of my health, For the love he shared. For kind of woman I wanted myself to be… I wan’t to change.