The reason why I’m Reckless.
I just realize how this pain helping me to face my inner self. The one I used to cover up with my smiles, silly jokes and enthusiastic Bubbly character.
Everyone always thought that I’m this cool girl who always wanted to have some fun, That I have no room for drifting myself into sadness or making poor decisions that might question my moral.I always seem “Okay” only because I taught myself to be like this every single time. I might cry but 5 minutes later you see me laughing my ass off into some nonsense thing over the internet,a book or whatever I find to avoid feeling bad.
I should have won as best actress with the Miss “Okay” award.
I admit. When I dive more deeper into who I’am. I saw deep cuts, memories bombarded with physical,emotional,sexual abuse, neglect and abandonment.
But none of this things is written on my face. None of this is showed when I convince you that I’am worthy of love and respect because I’m pure and innocent like nothing happened.like I’m someone covered with gold and said that no Bullshits will ever happen to me until I get old.
I make people feel as if everything is okay or will be okay. Because I know how it feels when you don’t have anything to hold on. I know how it feel’s when no one understands your sufferings, I know how it feels when you are taken advantage of.I know how hurtful it is by unintentionally hurting someone else.I know how it feels when someone leaves you…
I found that my inner self has its own power to leave you astray. I also found that it can also lead you somewhere Beautiful.
We create poor decisions because at some point we thought it is what is best for us. Or maybe because we are insecure of our own identity that we tend to hoard validation of others.
For me, feeling bad isn’t bad at all.. holding unto it and not letting go is fatal.
For me, Giving yourself acceptance to what could go wrong is letting yourself feel free of what is holding you down.
Your fear is what keeping you pinned down.
That is why My father always told me I’m reckless, Only because I scare the shit out of them for what else I could do.Rather than what I can not do. But whenever I made a mistake that could cause a damage. I hold myself accountable for it.