5 Headline Traits of Avoidant Attachment
Are you fiercely protective of your freedom in a relationship?
John Bowlby’s research on Attachment Theory has been highly beneficial to those who wonder why they exhibit certain behaviors in a romantic relationship. It’s simple and straightforward. Depending on how you were raised and what you’ve experienced in prior relationships, you either have a secure way of emotionally attaching yourself to others or display insecure tendencies in relationships.
If you are part of the latter group, you either have anxious tendencies, avoidant behaviors, or a combination of the two, called ‘fearful avoidant.’
This article will discuss the five main characteristics of a person displaying an avoidant attachment style in a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, most discussion surrounding avoidants paints them as cold, uncaring, and even hurtful individuals. It’s important to remember that they are operating from a base of fear and pain that they may not have conscious awareness of. Please look at their behaviors with compassion for better understanding.
They are fiercely protective of their independence and autonomy
People who identify as avoidant personalities are very protective of their sense of self, their space, their separateness, and keeping their interests to themselves. They have strong boundaries and are likely to be quite vocal about the importance of their freedom.
A partner that depends on them or relies on them in any capacity is very triggering for them. Any imposition on their autonomy can really freak them out and be seen as suffocating.
Relationships can be quite hard for them because they do not have the natural inclination or willingness to keep another person’s needs in mind. They’d much rather behave however they want in any given moment without feeling accountable to another person.
Low intimacy needs and struggle with commitment
Typically, physical affection won’t be high on the avoidant individual’s priorities. In fact, they tend to feel trapped by any perceived invasion of their personal space. Emotionally, PDA (public displays of affection) can feel very vulnerable and uncomfortable.
They don’t consciously keep their romantic partner at ‘arm’s length’ on purpose — it happens naturally because they don’t possess the emotional literacy and self-attunement to even know what they’re experiencing. Their partners will often become frustrated when the avoidant cannot express in words how they’re feeling: this is because they simply don’t know.
For many avoidant attachment style individuals, their caregivers possessed a level of avoidant tendencies themselves or passed along the strong notion that showing emotion is a sign of weakness. Therefore, the person exhibiting avoidant characteristics has been taught to be self-sufficient, and often they will expect the same from their partner. They don’t have the inner know-how to care for someone else’s show of emotion.
They are not likely to be very verbally expressive or say ‘I Love You’ first in the relationship — they struggle with commitment as it is because it feels suffocating. Unless there is a problem in the relationship, they do not feel the need to have any discussion whatsoever.
Tend to possess outwardly high self-esteem
The avoidant person has an underlayer of hurt and pain they cannot identify. Because they are unable to get in touch with the emotions surrounding that current, they’ve developed an automatic shield of protection. They come across as confident, charismatic, and steady.
In relationships, the avoidant individual will often see themselves as ‘fine’ and view the partner as the one who is difficult, too emotional, etc. Because they aren’t ‘rocking the boat’ with emotion-charged discussion, their partner’s attempts at connecting through emotion will be seen as needy, troublesome, and uncomfortable. Avoidant attachment styles rarely have the capacity to support their partner emotionally, and they are unwilling to look inside because they have deeply rooted messaging around emotions and vulnerability as being unsafe.
Very rigid in their thinking
When dealing with the avoidant style mindset, there’s a black-and-white view of the world. They have such tight-fitting armor in place around their independence and freedom that there is no healthy sense of compromise. Boundaries, expectations, and rules either fall into the ‘okay’ or ‘not okay’ categories and are usually not up for discussion.
When things feel too intimate, the avoidant individual feels like they are getting trapped or cornered and will use this mindset as a way to create the distance they need to feel safe.
Distance is used as a protective mechanism
This mode of operation can show up in many different ways, but it’s a key trait. For example, the avoidant person will withdraw or pull away during conflict. If things get too close, like spending a wonderful weekend together, they’ll disappear for a bit. Remember, intimacy is very threatening to their skewed sense of balance and well-being, so they will use distance to get themselves back to safety.
This protective behavior can come across as cold and calloused and cause continuous disruption in the relationship.
If the partner dating the avoidant individual can take a step back and view the behavior as the avoidant trying to self-regulate, the behavior becomes less hurtful. The healthiest approach is responding in a measured way, not a panicky, fear-based way or a combative, defensive way. This behavior isn’t about the partner in any way. It’s the avoidant’s issues coming to the surface. From that grounded perspective, discussions can be had surrounding what is and is not acceptable to the partner going forward in the relationship.
