The 4 Communication Styles That Affect Our Relationships
Which one do YOU use the most?
- Have you ever been told you’re “too aggressive” when you communicate your needs?
- Do you have a fairweather friend that disappears during times of conflict?
- How about a family member that can’t seem to stop making snarky comments during a conversation?
- Or a co-worker that has no interest in hearing anyone else’s ideas or suggestions?
It’s impossible to compartmentalize every human being into one of four categories. Nonetheless, each one of us has a primary communication style, and it undoubtedly affects the health of our relationships.
We know by now that communication is a multi-faceted word. Both verbal and non-verbal expressions are important to recognize when seeking effective communication.
It is up to us to identify the best method depending on
- Who we are communicating with
- What the circumstances are
Now, I’m not speaking of extreme circumstances here. Of course, when there is an emergency, we will use a more aggressive approach to command the actions of others to escape peril. I’m talking about the everyday conversations we have with others. It is essential to be self-aware of your natural method of verbal expression. This way, you can also understand the responses you receive. After all, effective communication is a two-way street.
Let’s take a closer look.
Type #1 — Passive: The passive communicator often fails to express their own needs. Why? Because they are unaware of them. They will act indifferent, which typically results in yielding to others’ needs. They are quick to avoid confrontation and often defer to others when pressed. Poor eye contact and body posture are usually exhibited during a conversation. Passive communicators are often perceived as easy-going.
Coming from a place where: My boundaries don’t matter. Only your boundaries matter.
Type #2 — Aggressive: The aggressive communicator comes across as demanding, defensive, and at times, hostile. They do not listen to others and often alienate those around them as a result. They tend to speak in a commanding tone and ask questions in a rude manner.
Coming from a place where: Only my boundaries matter. Your boundaries don’t matter.
Type #3 — Passive Aggressive: A passive-aggressive communicator will appear indifferent on the surface. However, their inability to effectively communicate their own needs will leave them feeling powerless, which generates feelings of frustration and resentment within them. This resentment is then acted out in subtle ways to relieve the anger they feel. They may exert the control they desire by utilizing sarcasm or indirect communication. The messages they send will come across as mixed and confusing for the recipient. Often their words and non-verbal cues do not match. This can sometimes be interpreted as avoiding the conversation, but make no mistake: they are fully aware of their feelings and actions.
Coming from a place where: My boundaries matter, but I can’t voice them. Since I can’t, I’ll degrade your boundaries.
Type #4 — Assertive: An assertive communicator is considered to be the most effective type. These communicators offer an open link without coming across as overbearing. They maintain eye contact, a confident tone, and consistent body language. They can express their own needs while being considerate of the needs of others. During a conflict, they will look for a win-win situation. Unfortunately, direct and honest communication is often misinterpreted as aggressive behavior, especially among women.
Coming from a place where: My boundaries matter. Your boundaries matter.
Please understand that these are tools used for communicating. No one uses one method for every single interaction.
For example, let’s look at a person who is in a situation where their boundaries are being crossed during a conversation.
- An aggressive response may keep a situation from getting worse in this circumstance.
- A passive response may help diffuse a charged situation.
- An assertive response may help redefine the barriers and set the conversation back on course.
Depending on the circumstance, a person may utilize any method. It’s a judgment call.
A passive communication style can certainly be beneficial at times. But, when paired with subtle aggression, it can quickly undermine the health of any relationship. It is important to be self-aware of not only how we speak to others, but of how they talk to us.
If you find yourself using a passive communication style during the majority of your interactions, then it is important to take a moment before responding. If possible, quietly identify your boundaries and needs. Why? To ensure they aren’t violated.
On the flip side, if you often find yourself alienating those around you, take a few moments to reflect on whether you are aware of their needs. Those with aggressive styles of communication are sometimes not aware of how they present to others!
If you find you are entering conversations with only your interests in mind, then it may benefit you to practice approaching each new interaction with a new perspective. Identifying the other party’s goals in a conversation will provide a higher quality exchange; hopefully, one where both members walk away satisfied!
Communication styles can fluctuate based on the type of person you interact with. The way you communicate with a passive family member may be very different from the method of communication you use with an aggressive co-worker.
The key to effective communication (where both parties’ boundaries are respected) is to recognize the needs and goals of each member.
Let’s say your sibling calls you and needs to vent. Are you able to recognize they need a good listener? Did they confirm that you have the time to hear them out? These answers set the tone for each conversation.
It is important to remember that during conflict management, an assertive approach is best. We all face challenges in our interpersonal relationships. The ability to define boundaries and needs during an emotionally charged interaction will keep a conversation from veering off course, and out of control. Ideally, both parties should be able to state their goals and continue the exchange with the ability to see more than just their own perspective.
As humans, we have the gift of insight and the ability to learn and adapt to make improvements in our lives. Self-awareness is the first step toward finding a more effective way to communicate. It is crucial to be able to identify which communication method you most often use, as well as which types you see others use. This will aid in making better choices for future interactions.
Take a moment and think about the people you most often interact with.
Can you identify any of their communication styles?
What do you think they would say yours is?
