I have a beautiful and vibrant 6 year old daughter. 6 years old today actually. But there were 2 losses before her and there have been 5 losses after her. Some losses I took in stride in some unexplained way and other losses left me broken and shattered and hopeless. I wish I knew the magic concoction of circumstances that led to each reaction but it seems these experiences are unexpected and unpredictable in every single aspect. For a long time I thought I’d keep trying until I was able to provide my daughter with the sibling she begs for and wants so desperately. That my brain would allow me to just “try one more time,” convinced her needs would climb ahead of mine. This last loss brought me to my knees and to the realization that I don’t think I have another loss in me. Another one might break me for good. At times I feel strong in that choice, like i can finally move ahead and plan my life accordingly. Other days I feel like I’m failing her as a mother in giving up in my attempts to ensure she won’t walk through this world alone after I’m gone. The struggle is real and constant.