Perfectionism Burned Me Out, and Now I’m Unlearning It

Tareen Alam
Nov 4 · 3 min read

If we’ve spoken in the last few months, you know that I’m actively rebuilding after burning out. Before I quit my previous job, I identified that most of my burn out was coming from a constant desire to be perfect — both at work and at home. And though both of those things were going well, I was increasingly unwell.

My body knew well before I did that I was running on fumes. The shoulder pain, gut issues, and growing anxiety weren’t isolated issues. I started treating my body like it was a new project at work. But unlike praise after a great presentation, your body doesn’t reward you by suddenly functioning just because you tried your best to help it. After the panic attacks started, I took action.

Podcasts, books, and meditation helped, but therapy has been the star of “My Journey to Healing.” I’ve been working on changing the narrative in my head — the one that says I’m not doing enough, or there’s always more to do. One issue was that I used to often compete with myself. If I had a great day operating at 110%, instead of acknowledging my success, I would make that my new baseline. Beyond work, I question if I’m doing enough for the people in my life. It ranges from “I need to stay an extra hour to get this done” to “Am I sure there wasn’t more I could’ve done as a maid of honor?” The pattern is exhausting and impossible.

A few weeks ago, I had a breakthrough with my therapist (whom I wish I had started seeing well before my breakdown). If only I were more perfect and caught onto my burn out sooner!!

I realized that if the people I cared about in my life were to pass, I would be most concerned that I didn’t do enough to be there for them. The thought shook me. The realization lit a fire under me to change the “You’re Not Enough” story my brain keeps playing in my head. After I left the session, I texted my family.

It didn’t occur to me that I could ask the people in my life if there was anything I could for them. Logically, I know I’m doing my best, but I can’t seem to believe it. I do a lot for the people in my life but am often left feeling defeated. Over the next few weeks, I saw things more clearly: I am doing more than enough. My family and friends aren’t sitting around, wondering why I’m not doing more for them. It’s been liberating and has helped me say “no” more often or avoid volunteering for things.

I’m sharing this experience because I know that for many with immigrant parents, especially women, we all share some form of this “perfectionist” conditioning. It’s helped to talk about it and confront it with the people in my life. It’s hard to unlearn thinking and habits I’ve carried my entire life, but it’s been worth every damn minute trying. Unlearn whatever holds you back or makes you think you’re not enough. Listen to your body, establish and maintain your boundaries, and be gentle with yourself.

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