Anniversary

One of Many

All of us have anniversaries, including birthdays, marriages, graduations, and many more. I recently had one on 18 March.

That day in 2015 started as any other. I was fine. I went to work (I think), did whatever I had to do, but at some point throughout the day, something inside of me switched. I became very emotional. I was not crying, but I had a strong, deep sadness and melancholy. I did not mention anything to anyone, because I rarely allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable with other people, and I was not going to start.

I will not go into all of the details, because I am still healing from that time, but I said something to God that night.

“I want to die, but only because I want to live.”

I cried that night, profusely. I prayed. I planned. I apologized to myself repeatedly. You might ask, “why would you apologize to yourself?” I had to, because for years, I ignored what my heart was telling and showing me. I needed to take responsibility for neglecting my heart and soul. I was, in those dark moments, acknowledging that I felt betrayed by none other than myself.

I thought about calling friends and family, but I knew intuitively that I had to listen to my heart in those moments. I knew that I was not alone, but I needed to face myself at that point, and listen to what needed to be said.

I became vulnerable with myself and surrendered.

Eventually, I cried myself to sleep and woke the next morning for work. I was an open wound, bordering on the verge of tears as I took calls for the day. So many synchronous events happened for me, though. I knew the Divine was speaking to me, and kept me held. I remember speaking with a gentleman on the phone. He told me that he was an aspiring engineer, and I told him that I had a degree in Physics. We talked as I did my work, but before he disconnected, he said to me, “no matter what it is, I hope all of your dreams come true.”

The flood waters nearly rose again, and in a cracked voice I told him, “You don’t know how much that means to me. Thank you.”

It was a whisper from the Universe saying, “You are supported. Always.”

As the day wore on, I remember thinking about how everything just seemed perfect. The air itself had a magical quality, a vividness, as if I could see more of what was truly there. There was a softness that pervaded every part of my being, like walking on clouds, but I was deeply contemplative and still. When I purchased dinner for myself and my grandmother, the food was cooked perfectly.

I chose to not try to do anything, but to simply listen for guidance, and to be in those moments. Completely vulnerable and uncertain of what was to come. Instead of pretending that I was okay, I allowed myself to be exactly how I felt — broken, confused, and tired of living incompletely.

During one of those days after, I went to the local park to connect. I walked around, saw beautiful swans, and remained in the moment and present with how I felt. Also, I noticed that there were a lot of people saying “hello”. On a deeper level, I felt like the universe was saying hello to me because I finally was allowing myself to be seen as I was. I have been to that park before, and, not that people are mean, I just personally have never had so many people tell me “hi” as I walked. I took it as a sign to continue to walk authentically. Something that Sera Beak might call “winking back at the universe.”