In the Moment…
**Please note, this was written on Sunday, 21 February 2016, but was published on 22 February. The day referenced is Saturday, 20 February.**
Finding one’s voice is not just something I help others with, but it is something that I am learning myself. Something that has been quite emotional, yet liberating (although, I am still moving towards total freedom ;) ).
One thing I noticed as I have gone through this metamorphosis, is that I stopped doing things that I love. One might think, “Isn’t that the opposite of what finding your voice is?”
The answer is yes.
The monotony of work loomed over me, and has weighed on me more than I realized. Couple that with trying to open myself to deeper understandings (of myself, others around me, the universe, you know, the usual), the doubt that I had moved to new locations. I grew, yes, and I am so grateful, but I did not realize - or was in denial - that my joy was slowly being chipped away. So much so, that I no longer felt joy doing the things that I loved, like exercising, making music, drawing, etc. I stopped. Completely.
When I looked back at projects I did (whether it be music, jewelry, art, poetry, meditations I did, etc.), I was in awe. I wondered so much about what happened to her. That woman that was just so in it. In the creative flow.
I suppose I started a very subtle just-past-quarter-life crisis. Here I am, a twenty-eight-year-old woman, still lost and searching for my truth. Still searching for how I wanted to express myself in the world, but not knowing -no, not feeling as if what I have to offer is valuable. We live in a society in which money is needed to live. That is the truth. So how can I do the things I love, and thrive in this world? Those questions and that doubt went to a place deep within, like a ninja really, and started to break me down.
I need to just be. That is what I have been working on. Just being. Going back to the things that made me smile. Creating.
Last night, I went to a grand re-opening of a store called Aetheric Alchemy and participated in my first drum circle. It was amazing!!! They kept asking if I I have drummed before, but I had not. Unless you count drumming on the desks in school. I did not try to do anything, other than receive and listen to the others as we drummed together to make music. There we were, a group of 4 and sometimes 5, near the end of February sitting on the sidewalk. A miniature snowman with googly eyes and a silver bow for a headdress watching nearby. And we drummed. It turned into a meditation for me.
Also, there was an artist inside named Alec Sturtz selling some of his artwork (he is on Instagram as @ExploratorySprayArt, or on Facebook under Alec Sturtz). Below you will see a piece that I purchased.
When browsing through his pieces, my friend and I talked with him. Asking him about his method, and the madness behind it all (artists are mad creators, it’s incredible). One thing he said, is that when he tried to make something, it did not work out the way he intended. But, when he just let things flow through him, that is when he felt he did the best work.
He also mentioned that one of the paintings he had for sell was an expression of himself and his vision of the universe. It is a beautiful painting, and what he said reminded me of what finding one’s truth is. It is just a way of living, in which we express ourselves in each aspect of our lives. A living expression of our soul. When we do this, the possibilities are endless.
Seeing his artwork did something for me. I felt excitement, joy, appreciation, and so much more. Much like I used to when creating my own pieces. I have not felt that in so long.
Last night reminded me to be present. Not just with my actions, but with my feelings and how I am treating myself. Am I taking care of myself as I need to? Am I being honest about how I feel, and am I taking the necessary steps to help those emotions teach me what I need to know?
I learned that I do not have to try to be myself, I just need to be myself. Unabashedly, fully open, and being from a place of love and integrity. That is all any of us need to do if we want to express our true selves. I have heard this many, many times, but I am still learning.
We don’t have to try, we simply need to be.