
Journey
Celebrate Your Milestones
It started with me looking about my cluttered room, wanting to just throw everything out, leave, and start anew. To just leave, and start life fresh. I shuffled things around, threw things in the trash, and would have continued to do so until a visitor arrived.
My mom.
She waltzed in the room, completely unaware of my current mental/emotional state, and asked, “so, what are you up to?”
I hesitated a moment before I responded. I was not sure of whether or not I wanted to answer truthfully, because I was afraid. It is something I have done for years, putting the feelings of others before my own. Not speaking my truth, no matter how painful. Not having the courage to be vulnerable. But, I did respond with “wallowing in my sorrow.”
I was partially being sarcastic, partially not, because that is how I sometimes react in situations like that with people who are very close to me. It is easy being vulnerable with people you don’t know (especially on the internet), because there is no shared history. Strangers often do not have preconceived notions of who you are(unless they are prejudicial/discriminatory, which is a completely different discussion), so they do not have any choice but to accept what you bring forward. With friends and family who have known what you have shown them for years, they tend to make assumptions. That also means that they may not like what you have to say if it goes against what they believe about who you are.
That moment turned into a one or two hour discussion. I laughed a bit, out of nervousness. Initially, my mom thought I was joking because of the laughter, but I think quite a few of us respond to uncomfortable situations by laughing. Kind of strange, if you think about it. I told her of what I truly wanted to do when I was younger. I would write scripts and act them out, or I would be a conductor of an orchestra. I would write poems and stories, but I would always keep them hidden, because a part of me was scared of what would happen if a family member saw the content. Not that it was disrespectful, but it was sometimes a discussion on things adults think kids should not have a voice on. But I did. And I kept myself quiet.
I told her how I think I should give up on my dreams, because it really is too late for me. How all the things I worked on, or wanted to work on, would not make a difference. That it would not be useful to anyone. And she reminded me that that should not matter in whatever endeavor I take. I understood the sentiment, but she did not live my life and hear the things I have. And she does not know how deeply I internalize other people’s beliefs or feelings, which, thankfully, I am changing.
We also discussed her, and her feelings about different things. I won’t go into too much detail, because I am not sure if it is my place to share, maybe one day. But she cried, too. There is a lot of healing that I think can take place for her as well.
I questioned a lot as to whether or not I should write this. But I decided in favor of writing it, because it is an example of how personal/spiritual growth occurs. Sometimes things happen overnight, despite what some people say. But other times, it can take an extended period before we see the change. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. And if you are in a position that allows to safely be vulnerable, and be exactly who you are, do that. Be that. Be you. Find your voice and speak your truth.
❤
