Goodbye Heterosexuality!
I learnt I was bisexual today. I was at a trans event during the week and there was a lot of talk about #YouAreTransEnough and it got me thinking about my sexuality and about the experiences I’ve had with women and I wondered at what point do I become Bi-enough to think of myself in that way.
I’ve kissed many women (and enjoyed it, far more than 99% of the men I’ve kissed). I’ve been aroused by a woman and I’ve been sexual with a woman but because I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman or had sex with a woman I thought that I must be heterosexual. After the “you are trans enough” chat I started to wonder, “Hang, on a minute, I might be Bi enough.”
But I was still unsure so I reached out to a dear friend who is openly Bisexual and I asked her very tentatively if she thought I was Bi enough to be Bisexual. I felt like I was nervously applying for a job where I had to lay out my sexual interactions in a row to be assessed and graded against some Bisexuality Indicator. (No one was making me feel that way though, it was all in my head).
My friend sent me this quote from Robyn Ochs:
“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted — romantically and/or sexually — to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”
And when I read that I realised that despite me never having sex with a woman (and not even sure if I want to) that I am Bi enough. I find women far more attractive than men in general and there are very few men I find sexually attractive and I cannot believe that despite all this and despite the fact that I’ve actually been sexual with women I was still ticking “heterosexual” on forms. I think I was socialised to believe in hetero-normativeness to the degree that I didn’t even recognise that I don’t even fall into the heterosexual category.
It makes me wonder how many other people out there are in a similar boat to me, maybe never even having acted on a desire to someone of the opposite gender. I know that at one point in my life I thought that women didn’t turn me on, that was of course until a woman did turn me on. My ideas about my sexuality were based on other people’s ideas about me, not about my own desires and experiences.
When I was chatting to another friend about sexuality and heteronormativity she said “When you think about it it’s kinda weird to be attracted to someone’s genitals hey?” And she is right, I’ve never been with someone because I liked the look of their genitalia — maybe this is a thing for some people and that’s cool, but I think most people would agree they have rarely been attracted to someone because of their perfectly straight penis or shape of someone’s vulva (or whatever).
I’m still assimilating this new information and framing of my sexuality, it will probably take some time for me to feel like I belong in the Bisexual club (whatever that is — but it sounds like fun!). I realise that I have lots to learn but I feel very excited about it. I also feel super grateful to all the people who have come before me and trailblazed to such a degree that I feel safe to tell the world I’m Bisexual (while being aware that I have a tremendous amount of privilege in this regard and there are many who are unable to do the same.)
So, Fare thee well heterosexuality, it’s been a fun, if dishonest ride.
