Daily Blog #4: The Whole She-bang

Wholeness. When are you whole? We are always striving for things to fulfill us. You complete me. Such a famous line. Looking for the next batch of approval, the next promotion, the next purchase. It’s because we feel like we’re missing something, right? And that means there’s a hole. An absence. So we are not whole. But how can that be?
I went to my first meditation prayer circle last night. It was the teacher and four women. We said hello, spoke of intentions and then were taken on a guided meditation. I do those a lot: on my own, in my acting class. I love it and sometimes have revelatory experiences. (An ancient tribal woman jumped into my body once. It shocked me back into the room.) I’ve never had scary experiences though. But this time, I did. Amidst the comforting talk of beaches and sky and harmony, seeing my ethereal self float through this scene, my face suddenly contorted and shook, like in a horror movie. My eyes rolled back, and flashed an unearthly color. The meditation continued to be punctured with these images of me in a possessed, demonic form. My heart started hurting, my arm. I had to work with all my energy to not get overwhelmed.
I had an audition last week where I was possessed (yes, good ol’ demonic possession). The preparation for it was really difficult, far more than any other emotional role I so often tackle. I was truly unnerved by it, and by the voice and mannerisms that I conjured. When I shared that with the group after the meditation had ended, I started to cry. It was so weird — the emotions came out of no where. My throat and chest clenched and I spoke through sobs… about acting possessed, about playing a demon. About being evil. But what I also relayed to them was that in that mediation, the way I got through the experience was that I didn’t banish the demon. Instead I found myself growing stronger. And then when it manifested again, I starting comforting it, accepting it, like a mother would do. There was a gentle strength that spread throughout the experience.
We were asked at the end of the session to ask for our prayer. I have never had someone ‘pray’ for me (very trippy). Nor did I have any idea what to ask for. But I was assured it would just pop into my head. And what popped into mine, was the word ‘Whole’. Okay. I’ll ask to be whole. But when I said it out loud, “I would like a prayer for wholeness”, all these images came rushing in. Of a dark part of myself that I have ignored, that I have not wanted to accept. Of a place inside that scares me, that is not the nice girl… that is powerful. So we prayed for wholeness.
It’s fairly obvious… what the lesson is. To accept yourself, fully. But it’s hard to do when you can’t see yourself, fully. I live in a city that peddles dreams and desires. Just book this role, buy this car/ house, sign with this agent, get this boyfriend and you’ll be HAPPY! We live in social media saturated world where everything is filtered to perfection. We don’t want to see the wrinkles around our eyes so why would we want to see the dark ugly places inside of ourselves? And God forbid anyone else finds out! But if we don’t acknowledge them, then we are not seeing the full picture, we are missing a significant piece of ourselves. And ultimately we will be desperate to fill that void, with all that society (fractured and divided) tells us that we need. But like a sugar fix, it never lasts. It just causes decay.
If I learned anything, it was that the demon wasn’t a demon at all. Of course. It was just a representation of my shadow side, the facets of myself that I don’t deem ‘Taryn’ like. But in finally facing them, I think they’re kinda cool. It makes for a more interesting, and yes, complete me.
And I think it’s time for them to see the light of day.
I am whole. (At least until the next audition ;))
