A Rant about Your Shitty Resume

Here’s the secret to writing a good resume: you MUST tell a compelling story.

Last week I wrote a post ranting about your shitty job description (to recap: most companies’ job descriptions do nothing to bring in valuable employees, and may in fact be repelling them).

Well, guess what? My employer is currently hiring and I get to see all your shitty resumes now, too. Luckily, I’m here to help.

Rebekah Blackmon (who inspired this post) brought up a good point about the average resume, saying, “The problem is that people tend to only think of it from their point of view, which is that they’re one unique person applying for their one dream job. But from the hiring manager’s point of view, they’re yet another faceless resume among thousands of nearly identical faceless resumes.”

This is what happens when you treat yourself like a cardboard box!

If this is you, I am politely restraining from slapping you in the face right now. It’s bad enough when companies write like they want to hire a cardboard box. But when you try to get a job with generic phrases that mean nothing of value to those who are hiring, you are effectively turning yourself into a sheet of cardboard as well. Now, if you actually are a person with zero personality looking for a company that doesn’t care, stop reading this now.

I have literally 150 resumes to sort through; don’t think that a resume that is ANYTHING less than EXCEPTIONAL is going to catch my attention.

But let’s say you’re an actual individual. Someone with specific hopes and goals, who dreams really vivid dreams involving Sasquatch becoming the next president and throwing blueberry pancakes at all US citizens (though let’s be honest, the current presidential race isn’t too far off from this), who has skills and interests that make you stand out from the pack, then WHY does your resume read like a robot typed it out?

Fixing a Real Life Resume

My employer is currently looking for a writer. Now, a writer had better grab me with his/her writing skills, don’t you agree?

I decided to click on a random resume in the pile to show you. This guy’s (we’ll call him Average Joe) document was the first one I saw.

I’ve highlighted and left notes one some particularly cardboard-worthy parts

Average Joe is applying for a writing gig but nothing about this resume stands out or makes me want to hire him. If I weren’t sharing this as an example, I would have spent 5-10 seconds skimming this and then clicked ‘next’!

Here’s the thing. I have literally 150 resumes to sort through; don’t think that a resume that is ANYTHING less than EXCEPTIONAL is going to catch my attention.

Yes, I feel sorry for this applicant. He’s a new graduate and it’s not his fault. We were all trained to write like this from a very young age. But here’s the thing that really gets me; even though he IS a new graduate with basically no applicable experience, his resume could tell an eye-catching story with little effort!

While skimming, this line caught my eye:

Marine Corps combat veteran. That’s something I don’t see every day, something that could imply a bunch of applicable life skills this guy may have that other new graduates might not. I’m intrigued but he gives no examples of exactly how this unique experience helps qualify him for this job. What a shame!

Here’s the secret to writing a good resume: telling a compelling story will increase your value immeasurably. This short NPR story tells the tale of a guy who bought some junk and had writers give those pieces unique backstories. He sold them for 2,706% more than he paid for them. And after hearing the stories, he himself had a hard time letting go of some of the objects he was selling. If this can work for what are basically pieces of trash, you bet this can work for your resume too.

I see all the elements of an interesting tale in this guy’s resume, (and I bet your resume has them too) but he hasn’t learned yet how to compose those elements into something that makes me stop in my tracks and sigh a breath of relief that someone in this pile is actually worth a damn.

I’d start by telling your more story in a more complete way in your cover letter, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t format your resume to tell a clear, easy to understand story while remaining professional. Upon a deeper look into Average Joe’s resume, I noticed that hidden deep in the dredges of his document where no one would see them he had links to his current professional writing work, to his photography portfolio, and to the blog he wrote in Iraq. I went ahead and reworked his intro to include these links.

This is the updated version courtesy of me using what he gave us in the original resume intro:

Now Average Joe has morphed into G.I. Joe, a true powerhouse capable of not just editing my employer’s blogs, but adding unique visuals to them and helping out with our social media. I can see from his Marine Corps experience that I’ll be able to depend on him (you’d be surprised at how important that can be in an entry-level position) and that he’ll work well with the other teammates. No need to write “highly agreeable personality” anymore, this resume and the personal projects he links to speak for themselves.

What YOU Can Do to Stand Out

If I can avoid picking ANY of these 150 resumes, I’ll go down that route.

The Good News: most resumes look shockingly similar to Average Joe’s. Your competition sucks, and that’s comforting. Even more good news: it’s ridiculously easy to stand out once you know how to tell a story with your resume.

The Bad News: Even if your resume is a piece of gold among a sea of shit, there’s a good chance no one will ever look at it anyway. For the writer position I’m currently hiring for, I am chatting with writers that I already know and trust to see if they know anyone they can recommend to me. If I can avoid picking ANY of these 150 resumes, I’ll go down that route.

Here’s the deal: I want you to rewrite your resume for the sole purpose that once you meet someone who thinks you’re amazing, you should have an equally amazing resume to send their way. A resume is NOT a first step towards getting a job, but a step you should be taking after someone is already interested in hiring you.

So how do I find people who want to hire me?

After reading this article, you know that telling a compelling story will increase your value to prospective employers by an incredible amount. I recommend learning how to tell that unique story of yours in a short way.

Oh, you mean like an elevator pitch!

Sort of. Elevator pitches are for schmoes. And you’re not a schmoe, are you? No, you’re an individual who dreams about presidents throwing blueberry pancakes! So for you, I highly recommend reading this article on how to pitch someone without sounding like a boring corporate mission statement.

Next Step: Practice the hell out of that. It’s great that your same story, while it will get boring to you, will still be completely new to each new person you meet. So pay attention to when people get bored and when people’s eyes light up, and hone your pitch until most people are intrigued.

Final Step: Go out there and meet people! Meetup.com is a great way to get started. You don’t need to be meeting employers to get your next job, just like-minded professionals who might need an additional member on their team, or know someone else who does. The key here is to meet a few people that you just click with, and build relationships with them. Yes, this takes time. Yes, job searches are hard work. And yes, it will pay off.

Let’s Recap All of This

You right now= Average Joe

Steps to becoming G.I. Joe:

• Learn how to tell a compelling story (remember the story of how telling stories increased the value of that guy’s objects by over 2000%!)
• rewrite your resume to tell your unique story in a professional, easy to understand way
• Take your unique story and make it short and intriguing for when you meet new people (but don’t sound like a corporate elevator pitch because no one likes those)
• Go out and meet people, share your story, and use your resume as a last step to send your job to someone who already knows about you, vs sitting in a sea of bad resumes with “TRASH” stamped on them

There you go! In no time, you’ll be well on your way to snagging a great job that is a good fit for you and your special skills.

And one final piece of advice. The more “you” you are, the more you will attract the right kind of company, the kind of company that will value you as a person and whom you’ll be able to impact more. You’ll also effectively be repelling the kind of company that isn’t right for you. Either way, you win.

So get out there, and start winning!

-Madi Taskett